Confessions of an ATX Momster

Dr. Strangemom Or...

2011-08-06T13:00:00.001-07:00

How I Stopped Fighting and Learned to Love being a Mom

The first few days after my son was born were some of the hardest days I've ever lived through. I say that and I know that I had it easy compared to many women who don't have access to proper medical care and who don't have family willing to take them in and protect them. Sometime, I'll write the story of the day my milk came in, and some of the other things that were just mind-blowing to me, and that no matter how many books I read, I was still totally unprepared for. This is not the day for those stories.

Today is a story of how I came to fully choose motherhood.

There's a saying that a woman becomes a mother when she realizes she's pregnant. This is somewhat true. All my instincts turned on, certainly hormones are an amazing thing, and it's actually a little frightening how much of your animal nature comes to the fore-front when you're pregnant, giving birth, and first beginning to nurture the life you've brought forth, but the mind... it dragged behind.

There's a detour I could take here and maybe I'll write it out another time, but for now let's suffice it to say that I had a lot of grieving to do even as I began to celebrate the immense, gloriously exhausting, wonder, that bringing forth a new life to the world is. I read a lot of books, I read a lot of sites... I was still unprepared for just how different my life is now. My friends have all tried to give me days or nights off occasionally, and that's been great. But finally, I just accepted that I wasn't going to go out or make it to the show or whatever, and I mostly stopped looking at the sites and things that were the trappings of my old life. I gave up searching out, caring about really, the whole buffet of ways to use up one's free-time when you're a carefree adult-child. These things have almost stopped having meaning for me and some time back I really started enjoying my quiet little home life.

I recently read this article called Isn't having a baby SUPPOSED to cramp your style? and found it refreshing. Even some of us modern people, even some of the people I could probably have been counted among, my peers who are now having children, even some of them, are realizing that it is good, great perhaps, to cocoon, to nest with your child, to focus and draw in and take the time to really be a parent. It might just be important to let the world pass on without you for a while and then join back in a little at a time, when it does not draw you away from your calling as a parent. But, don't fake it. Children know when you're faking things. They're wiser than you know. They're so much more observant than we adults are... because it's all still new to them so everything is interesting.

I read this article the other day: Motherhood is a calling. Although I don't agree with it in full (the religious bent of it galls me), the author is a mother (we have something in common), and one of the better sections of it says: "Children know the difference between a mother who is saving face to a stranger and a mother who defends their life and their worth with her smile, her love, and her absolute loyalty." I am nothing without my son. The day begins and ends with him in my heart and mind, and life is good because he is in my life.

I am a mother, I work at a start-up, and I'm the only adult in our home the vast majority of the time. I love being who I am and doing what I do. Occasionally, my varying roles interfere with each other and I must choose. I choose my son first, the housework last. This is the way it must be.

It took a while to reconcile my old life and my new, to be at peace with the person I am, but it happened, over the long nights sitting up while my son slept in our room, over the thousands of diapers, spit ups, food fights, baths and meals, over the hundreds of compromises and losses and acceptances, the thousands of choices, and the retellings of old stories to renew my mind and change the feelings they bring up. Somewhere during all of that, I stopped caring about the world passing me by and I started enjoying the world where I am and the journey I'm on.

I'm not just a girl anymore. I am Mommy, Mom, Mother. Who would ever think that someone so small, could change anyone so profoundly?

I actually choose not to fill up all my time running from activity to activity anymore. It's a beautiful thing to have solitary downtime. I firmly believe that it will make me a better mother and a better person. Being lonely happens when solitude is forced upon you. Being alone, choosing to be alone, and being able to take pleasure in your own company, is a marvelous thing. I am still evolving, but I know who I love... and I know who I am and I'm happy about who I am becoming.

The Visitation Prayer

2011-08-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

Note: I am not religious, but I was raised that way.

In times of duress, I sometimes long for the comfort that other people seem to be able to take from religion. Anyway, I was thinking of the Serenity Prayer the other day, turning it over and over in my mind, trying to make it applicable to myself (and anyone else in my situation) more fully and specifically. The most well-known version is as follows:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

but it just feels sort of trite and over-used.

Expanded visitation, (we've just gone abruptly to an expanded standard visitation) is new for us and difficult for me, and my son is having some small problems with it, too. I did want him to have more time with his father, and now he definitely has that, it just happened a lot more quickly than I was ready for and maybe more quickly than my son was ready for either... especially as there is no way to explain to a two year old such a dramatic scheduling change. (Prior to this we were only having one overnight every other week or so, with some shorter weekly visits.) I've tried to explain things to my son and he now seems to understand that Mondays have something to do with seeing me and Thursdays have something to do with seeing his dad, but that's about as good as it gets right now. I keep telling myself that it'll be good for everyone in the long run, but I have all these doubts and fears that maybe I'm not being as good a parent as I could be because I gave in to this too soon.

Anyway, it's not easy on me to be parted from my son so much/ for so long at once, so I came up with my own, loosely-based, version of the Serenity Prayer for myself. It goes something like this:

Dear Higher Powers:

Grant me the focus and the busyness to distract me from my child being away from me,

The serenity to trust that my co-parent means well, loves our kid, and would never purposefully hurt him.

And the strength to let go, breathe, laugh, and use this time to take care of myself for my child.

Please.

I'm pretty sure that the Visitation Prayer is applicable to any co-parent dealing with visitation.

Do you have a version of this for yourself to help you get through things?

Rustiness

2011-07-14T12:38:00.001-07:00

So, it's been about a year since I last wrote.

When you're in a situation with the definite knowledge that anything you say (even good or nice things) can and will be held against you (not for any crime, mind you, merely for the sake of a bizarre sort of competition), sometimes, it's best not to say much of anything. I'm not going to talk about the people who put me in such a position. It's best if you can't say anything nice... once again, to not say anything at all.

I just wanted to make a post... freely... because I can breathe again.

I'm going to write about my son again. About life. About the changes a year can make. About work and joy and... RELIEF... because, it's what I feel.

Welcome back to my life. I can't wait to catch up with you, too. :)

words to live by

2010-07-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything but happy." ~~ Unknown

My son is the most amazing little guy in the world. He is everything to me.

I would do anything to keep him safe. I would give up anything so that he could have more. I would die for him if there were a choice between his life and mine. In the meantime, I live for him. He is why I am still here.

Evidence of brilliance:
We have a galley-style kitchen and I've put a baby gate in place so that he can't get into it. (There are too many dangers in the kitchen to let him wander free in there yet: knives, heavy things, hot things, electronics, chemicals, cat food, cat box, trashcans, etc. All the cabinets are baby-proofed just in case, but for the most part it's better if he's in the living room playing with his toys than underfoot while I'm trying to cook.) Yesterday I was cooking our dinner and he started bringing me clothes from the couch. (I had gotten all the laundry done late the night before but hadn't hung it up yet.) Normally, he brings me toys and balls, and things and throws them over the gate to me and I'll toss them back out of the kitchen for him. Since it was clothing, I didn't want it on the kitchen floor, so I looked at him and very seriously said, "James, I like that you're bringing me things, but those clothes don't need to be in here, could you take them back to the couch, please?" He toddled off with the clothes while I finished cooking and dishing up his dinner. After dinner, I got a clean towel for him off the couch and noticed that all the clothes he'd brought to me were back on the couch almost exactly where they'd come from. :)

Further evidence:
This morning, I was trying to get us out the door so I was sitting in our room putting my shoes on and he was playing near me so I said to him, "James, we need to get ready to go, it's time to put your shoes on, where are your shoes?" and he ran out of the room. I finished tying my shoes and started to get up to go after him when he reappeared with both of his shoes, came over to me, sat down, and handed them to me. :D

He doesn't say much yet, but he's such a smart little man.

I hug him every chance I get. I pick him up and fly him around (I know I won't be able to do it for too much longer). I kiss him. We snuggle. I read to him. We teach each other things. I tickle him, and he's learned to blow raspberries on me. We play together. I sing to him. We laugh. Our lives are full of love. Becoming James' mother cost me dearly, but it turns out that I've gained so much more than I lost... being his mother is seriously the best thing I've ever done and may be the best thing I ever do in this life. I don't want to waste a moment of the time I have with him.

Thank you for being a part of this with us.

<3

The things we have to give up... to keep the things that really matter.

2010-07-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

"It takes enormous courage and belief to meet your destiny in life; you can see it so closely, and yet you still have to struggle toward it. Once you're aware of its existence, it's more a hard-fought objective than a preordained fact."
Sting

I had thought that I would be able to make all of the life-upgrades I was hoping to make this year. It would've been tight, but at the end of everything I would've been in no more debt than I currently am.

Things have changed.

I'm having to put off a lot of things so I can deal with an abrupt and profound budget short-fall on both the financial and time scales.

The important thing here is that everything will be okay in the long run even if it's not okay right now or for the next few months.

Things would've been easier during this time if my car hadn't just eaten up my savings, but it had to be fixed, and it should now run perfectly (or close to it) for the next 6-12 months. The savings being gone means no new furniture (beyond the table/chairs I picked up for really cheap on C-list). Luckily, I think James will be okay in his crib for a while longer.

I'm exploring options to try to earn more money through part-time jobs. I have two leads so far. I also have some jewelry that I made a while back that I can put on an Etsy site and I've finally got my workbench organized so that I can make more, which will be good until I run out of materials. Through these avenues, I should be able to make enough to keep the internet on in the apartment (which will be how I do one of the part-time jobs and how I keep the Etsy site updated) and to bring in a little to put towards our deficit.

I'm trying to find ways to lower our costs. I've already been clipping coupons and shopping on certain days to get good deals on food. I've got a Costco membership because buying in bulk is almost always cheaper in the long run than buying in other ways. It's just the up-front outlay that is problematic. I keep the AC turned up warm and have programmed it to be more efficient. I've learned to live without a lot of things. I'm learning to use up all of something before buying new. (This includes cutting tubes open and getting every last bit of toothpaste or whatever out.)

I think I've done as much budget trimming on my phone bill as I could, and my interest rates are as low as they can be with my credit cards. I called and redid my auto/renter's insurance stuff the other day and, though I wasn't able to get the amount lowered, am now getting much more service for the same price.

James and I have been eating breakfast out 1-2 times a week so that I can get him used to eating in public and to give me a break from cooking/ give us a way to socialize with others, but I'm prepared to give that up. I'm already cooking/ putting together all of our other meals, usually making 2 big batches of food each week with some smaller meals interspersed, then alternating leftovers through the week so we don't get bored and so we keep our nutrition up by eating diverse things. The only thing I won't cut is our (mostly) seasonal organic fruits/ veggies, but I'm thinking we may need to try the farmer's market approach rather than getting them at the grocery store. I need to do a closer cost-benefit analysis to determine if it's really a better way to do things or not. If anyone's already done that, let me know. :)

The cats are eating a cheaper food and less of it. (They're both a little overweight, so now they're eating only the daily recommended amount instead of what they'd like which is about a third more than that.) I'm not scrimping on their litter though... cheap litter is way more work, way more smell, and way worse for the environment.

I've got possessions I can try to sell. We're going to gear up for the next Mama Cents consignment sale. I was hoping to keep most of James' outgrown things for my sisters for whenever they get started on kids, but, as they say: "Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs.", and it could be years before they get around to it. I'll look through my clothes/shoes again to see if there's anything that any of the resale clothing shops in town would take. I have a few furniture items that might sell for a few dollars on C-list too. I guess I'll go back through my books again. I hate selling my books. I dream of one day having enough bookshelves to put them all out but at this rate, by the time I have the excess money for more bookshelves, I won't need them... and I guess that'll work out. :)

I'm putting off some medical work I need, and also some that I wanted. (Among other things, I was supposed to have a surgery in September.) I'm not going to die without having any of those things done so it'll be okay to wait a while longer on it. I've got things I can do that'll make things easier on me in the meantime. Maybe we'll be in a better position next year. :)

I'm also hoping that we get a scholarship at our current daycare, the application period starts next month and the discount would go into effect in September. It would help. Another couple of handfuls of sand in our bucket. The other thing that could happen that would be good is if we finally got into UT's daycare because it's slightly less expensive than our current daycare.

I'm keeping my class for the fall. It's already paid for and in the grand scheme of things it's not going to make a huge financial difference, but not taking it now would negatively effect us a lot by setting me back another year. Taking this class now and continuing with classes in the spring/ summer/ etc. is the only way I'll have the pre-reqs done in time to apply to the program I want to be in in 2012. I'm on a five year plan starting in August. When I get done, James and I will be able to have a much better life. The sooner we get to that day, the sooner I can stop fearing for our future so much.

I'm holding on to my ACL pass for now, but will probably end up selling it. The whole festival is sold out and that bodes well for at least getting my money back on it... but my sadness at the thought of missing it AGAIN... is pretty intense.

Anyway, that's where I am so far. I have faith that we'll be okay even if it's ugly for a while. I mostly feel good about what I've done and what I'm doing so far. It's a hard time, but we're moving forward. I just wish I could sleep better. :)

Listmaking

2010-07-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

I've been busy over the last month. The bottom dropped out of a relationship I had high hopes for... and after I hit the ground pretty hard and lay there dazed and confused for a bit... I shook myself out, got back up, and got back to where I was heading before I got really distracted. Which is, as ever (despite occasional downfalls or detours): onward and upward.

Ways I've improved my life over the last few weeks:

Started reading to James every day again. We took a break for a little while because he just wasn't interested but that's changed and now he even brings me books and says, "B'uh! B'uh!"

Got internet at home.

Got an awesome friend's old laptop that she didn't need/ want anymore and started writing again.

Thoroughly cleaned and organized the apartment/ got things together for charity donation/ sale.

Have gotten my ACC admission status updated and am waiting for assessment test results so that I can register for class (the first of several pre-reqs for UT grad school).

Have talked to UT about their Alternative Entry Master's of Nursing program and have a little over a year long plan for how to get accepted so that I can join their program Summer 2012.

Started going to work early.

Started keeping a daily record of all the things I do at work.

Have taken on more responsibilities at work.

Scheduled appointments for various things I've been just living with instead of dealing with.

Stopped buying concert tickets and also have stopped buying extraneous things. I went through a bad spate of purchasing. Done with that now. Have turned inward... and also toward buying used.

Started bringing my breakfast and lunch to work almost every day and using reusable containers instead of plastic bags for the most part. Ideally I'd bring my own food in every day, but sometimes, I'm just too tired at night to do more than pack James' lunch.

Started listening to Spanish and French language tapes at work. I'm hoping to be conversational-ish in a few more months.

Ways I need/want to improve my life that I have either barely started on or am still in the process of getting started on:

Buy new socket covers and rework the child proofing in the apartment because James has figured out how to take the cheap ones out of the wall since my outlets are all loose.

Start going to bed earlier. I'm getting there every few days, but not regularly... and this may be a pipe dream. After all, who has time to sleep?

Register to take the GRE and a prep course.

Get a new phone. The screen on mine is scratched all to hell and every time I drop it it comes apart. I should be eligible for the iPhone 4 in October or so... but I saw this video the other day talking about the Evo phone and, even though I hate Sprint more than bad lettuce, I actually started thinking about other phones as an alternative to the iPhone. Of course, the only real concern with the iPhone and continuing with AT&T is that the plan is more expensive than the one I've got now... but I've really cut down on the texting so I could probably do without unlimited now and with my UT discount, maybe it wouldn't be unreasonable.

I need to actually get rid of the culled items from my apartment (they're living in my outdoor closet which is currently piled high and deep). I should get rid of even more than the stuff in there, too. (It'd help if I had someone not-emotionally attached to any of my stuff to help me do the getting rid of it part... I'm not a hoarder... but I do have some crap that I've carted around for a while for only emotional reasons.)

I have shelves (in pieces) that I need to put up. (I suck at straight lines... and I don't have a level. It's also hard for me to do projects like that when James is running around like a tiny madman. Again I wish for a second pair of hands/ arms/ eyes.) The two shelves that are up from the set of several are heavily used.

New furniture: My mattress/ bed is so old you can feel the springs. James will soon outgrow his crib. There's a particular problem with being a single mother and trying to date while living in a one bedroom apartment with a child. I believe that this can be, if not remedied, at least ameliorated, with a pull-out couch or a futon in the living room. I want to get rid of my computer desk (which is falling apart) and replace it with a dining table so that I can teach my child good table manners. Recap: two beds, a table/chairs, and a new couch. I have no idea how I'll be able to afford such things... but I'll find a way. I'm trying to make my apartment into my safe sanctuary. I've always looked to other people to provide that feeling of safety and security for me... but that's just not really realistic anymore.

Improved work out regimen. I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago, but it feels better again, so it's time to ramp things back up. Prior to the sprain I was running a few days a week, biking to/ from the daycare/ work, and playing soccer whenever I could get the time and a sitter or a playdate for James on the weekends. I have a 7 week training schedule to help me be ready to run 5k races by this fall taped to the wall by my door and I bought running shoes recently. I think since I'm going back to school, I'm going to have to give up soccer after this season and just start running. I'll miss the social aspects and the competitiveness and chasing/kicking things and... well... pretty much everything about soccer, but it's too hard to get to practices or games now. With just running, at the worst, I can do it almost anywhere and I can take James with me in the jogging stroller. I need to add yoga back in and ankle strengthening exercises too. Maybe I'll join a running group for real this fall. I wasn't ready to commit to one this summer. A group would help me socially. I need to meet people... I miss the rush of meeting new people even if they don't stick around... hell, I miss keeping up with friends socially... and I'm cut off from social networking at work now... so I'm at a bit of a loss here.

I need to work on my inner self so that when I'm done fixing my circumstances, I'll be as good on the inside as I am on the outside. I'm tired of being fragile and broken and full of spikes and sharp pieces. I just want to be... whole and round and smooth and fine, completely fine, on my own... and I'm getting there. I guess I mostly just really miss having someone there to sleep next to me, someone to share things with and do things for and with... who is an adult and can reciprocate... but I guess I'm not ready... that's what I've started to believe... I wasn't ready for a relationship when I tried to get into one... and so I acted completely not myself because I still don't know who I am right now... which is what I've been trying to figure out for the last many months. I'm so used to adapting to my circumstances... to being a chameleon and changing to fit where I am (I've done it for years and years and years... not in all ways... just in many) that a question I finally had to ask myself recently was... "do I really like [thing] or did I just like it because [person] liked it"... and that probably means I'm still not ready... no matter how much I wish I were.

Getting out of debt. I'm trying to adjust my spending. I still want to and will make goal-oriented purchases, but I'm eliminating, as much as possible, random expenditures.

Improved interactions with the Child's Father (the CF) while maintaining my personal integrity and keeping my child's safety and mental health as the top priority. I honestly don't know how I can hold my ground and still improve things with the CF. It may not be possible.

Improved relations with my family.

I need to pay more attention to the world around me... I've had a light, but I felt, succinct, handle on politics for a long time, but it's becoming more and more important for me to try to get things right for my son in as many ways as I can, and that includes politics, from the local all the way up.

I also need to figure out some volunteering opportunities. My graduate program application requires them but, even before I knew that, I knew I needed to get my hands dirty in a medical/ emotional sense to really know if I have what it takes to be a professional in this field or not. If anyone has any advice on or recommendations of medically related volunteer ops, please let me know.

Ways my life will improve in the next six months that aren't on the above list:

My car will be paid off in November.

I will be on my way to getting into graduate school.

If I make the above changes I know that my circumstances will change. I want James and I to be so very happy. I want to be the best mother possible and to provide the best things I can for my son. I also want to be the person someone wants to come home to and I want to be the someone a person wants to come home to them. I want to like coming home to myself. :)

It may take longer than six months for true and deep changes to happen... but I'm working toward a defined higher purpose and that's helpful... I have goals and dreams and I'm being as realistic about it all as I can without tipping over into pessimism.

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-06-02T07:18:00.001-07:00

James and I had an action packed Memorial Day weekend.

We were house/ pet sitting out in Manor all weekend for our friend Bill, but we came into town and did tons of things during the days.

Friday night we got out there a little late because I was trying to get my apartment a little cleaner before basically not being there much all weekend. I swear I cannot keep up with the chores. Every night after I get James to bed (~8pm) I barely have an hour to sit/eat/think before I have to get back up and get things done for the next day (some of the following: lunches made, dishes cleaned, floors cleaned, highchair cleaned, laundry, cats fed, catbox cleaned, bathroom cleaned up, clothes laid out, trash taken out, etc.). I don't know how people with houses do it. If I had a yard, it'd probably look like hobos lived in it or I was trying to get it to revert to Great Plains status... maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea because the plains-dwelling Native Americans didn't do yard work; they had an annual fire and that was that. :)

Saturday morning we got up, ate breakfast, and then came back to my apartment where we went swimming for the first time. James' dad met us there. James wasn't quite certain about the pool at first, but splashing soon commenced and with it, great happiness. :)

I won four tickets at the last minute from City Search to the Ladies Brunch screening of Sex and The City 2 at the Alamo Ritz, so I found three other girls to go with me, and implored James' father to watch him for a few hours while I went. SATC was something I think I could've gotten into if I were a committed series watcher. I'm not really a SJP fan and there are definitely things about their lives that I can't identify with, but there are some universal girlisms that I think most of us can enjoy. I'm looking forward to getting to watch it all at some point.

The movie had one particular moment that I really appreciated. It's when Miranda and Charlotte both are commiserating over how hard motherhood is, and they basically break the fourth wall to say that they have no idea how women without a full-time nanny or partner do it. Honestly, ladies (and gentlemen), I don't know either. It's day-to-day, it's week-by-week, it's moment-to-moment sometimes. I feel like I live in a warzone. Whether it's a poop bomb or that the child (who has, as of 6/5/2010, learned to climb up onto the couch) is pulling down all the clean and folded laundry, or one of the cats has hacked up a hairball which my son immediately tries to pick up, or there are toys in my rainboots, or partially chewed graham crackers stuck in the child's hair... or he runs up to me, gives me a huge hug, buries his face in my chest and then proceeds to blow his nose... on my new shirt.

After the movie, which was a great mini escape fueled by mimosas (with orange and grapefruit juice), I picked James up from his dad's, and we went back to my apartment to clean up/ change. I put the child down for a nap (because he refused to sleep at his father's house). After he woke up, we went back out to Manor for the evening. After he went to bed I got to watch several episodes of LOST (which I hadn't been watching because of Glee, don't hate me for being practical: I knew people would record LOST but was pretty sure no one would record Glee for me), but started crashing before I got to watch the last three weeks' worth... so don't ruin it for me.

On Sunday morning bright and early (~7am), we went out for a run in the neighborhood where we were house/ pet sitting. There were lots of hills so it was a really good workout. We also found a frisky runaway Husky puppy and held onto him until his owners caught up. (The mother was driving around in an SUV yelling for him while her children were running/ wandering around also yelling. They didn't have a leash, or a collar for him when they got to us... pretty stupid if you ask me. We just stood still and I whistled at him and he came right up.) James liked the Husky and he liked James. The kiddo usually kinda gets freaked out by dogs because they move too quickly and get in his face too fast, but not this dog. Honestly, if I had to have one, I'd probably get a Shiba Inu or Husky type dog. They're really smart and don't smell bad like most other dogs do. (I'm not not a dog person, I'm just not an ALL dogs kind of person.)

After that, I got us cleaned up and we went back to my place to get ready to go to the lake with some friends. I made breakfast and scrambled to get our things together while James had a great time knocking over the chairs, cornering the cats, and toilet papering the living room. I finally got most of that all cleaned up and most of our stuff together when Lindsay and Daniel showed up with their little girl Zoe (she's about 7 months) to pick us up.

Lindsay's family is great. Their lake house was beautiful, her grandfather, and some of the other men in her family built it and the design is really cool. Lovely view, too. They cooked some great food and everyone was super nice. :)

After lunch we got in the lake. I tried to keep James from drinking the water, but you may as well try keeping a dog from scratching fleas. He didn't get too much in him though. I don't think he liked the taste. Lindsay bought these adorable little floats for the kids so that helped some too. They're inflatable with a little seat for their legs to go through and they have canopies to help keep the sun off. The water was pretty choppy from all the boats and there was a lot of debris, so James and I didn't stay in for too long. Lindsay and Zoe stayed out longer. Lindsay is a great swimmer; she can tread water better than pretty much anyone I've ever known.

After everyone got out and dried off a bit we went out in the boat. James hated the life vest we put him in and screamed his head off and tried to escape from it whenever he wasn't entirely distracted by things, but he looked adorable in it. :) He eventually wore himself out, and after a few minutes of being on the boat, he passed out. Zoe stayed awake the whole time. They let me hold her while Lindsay held James and she sat in my lap happily watching her parents. I'd almost forgotten what it's like to hold a kiddo as small as her. James weighs a ton these days.

Later, after we got back to shore and cleaned up (I put together a mini bath kit for James before we went out there and brought his PJs so he could go straight from there to bed) I was holding and playing with Zoe while James ran around trying to destroy things in the living room. Then he noticed... and he ran over to me, climbed up in my lap, and started trying to push Zoe away from me. He was actually jealous. He got jealous when I held his classmate Athena the other day, but he didn't push her, he just wanted me to pick him up too. He's a funny little guy... definitely likes being an only child which is good I guess since that's probably what he'll be.

We didn't get home till pretty late on Sunday night and it was even later getting back out to Manor, but all the cats everywhere were okay and purring at the times when I saw them, fed/ medicated them.

Monday we got started later than I'd kinda hoped because there was more to do at the house to get it ready for Bill to come back than I'd anticipated. Mostly, that was due to James knocking down a box full of tiny objects (which of course opened upon impact) and dispersing its contents widely, and secondly, James' desire to become a sanitation engineer... by which I mean he knocked over the garbage can and started sorting through it (thankfully, it was mostly paper items) while I was trying to clean up the aforementioned box of tiny objects. It was a busy morning for us. So, after we got back to the apartment, deposited some things and readjusted our travel gear, we went out to Taco Deli and had migas before heading to the outlets in Round Rock to hit their sales.

James has so much energy it's hard to confine him for any length of time. It was also super hot out. I had six stores on our list. We hit five of them, one unplanned one, and then bailed. I needed two new belts (one brown, one black since my current belts were falling apart), a pair of black summer sandals (since my black-trimmed espadrilles are coming apart), and two small going out clutches/wristlets (one brown, one black) so that I won't have to ask anyone to give up their man card by holding my lipstick or cellphone or whatever for me again. I stocked up on outfits for James for next summer and picked up some 18 month things as well. I figure if I get enough clothes for about a week in all of his sizes that between that, the grandparents, my friends, and his father's friends (birthdays/ Christmas), we'll be set wardrobe-wise and just pick up anything else from resale shops.

Post-outlets I was just exhausted. I had to set James free from the stroller a few times because he was starting to screech, and he immediately crawled under the clothing racks and hid... and he grabbed things off hangers (he did that while in the stroller too)... and he took off down aisles... and when I tried to try something on, he tried to crawl out of the dressing room... it was just exhausting... and then there were several "UP MOMMY, NOW!" moments and then the repeated tossing of the pacifier and the sippy cup, etc.

But we weren't done. Mondays are grocery days for us, so we had to go pick up some things. James was mostly good in the store because he was finally tired, but then he started getting cranky. I got us in and out of there with minimal damage... I had to take him out of the front child part of the cart and put him in with the groceries for a bit because he was just too squirmy and kept hurting himself and then yelling... and after I got all the groceries out, he stood up, and started opening and closing the child seat part of the cart... and when I tried to stop him, he did it one last time really hard, SLAMMING MY FINGER in it. :( I yelped. Tears came into my eyes. Then I carefully made sure the cart wasn't going anywhere and that he wasn't going to fall out of it, then I took a step back... turned away, methodically opened up the car, turned on the AC, and tried to breathe before retrieving him and putting him into the car. I looked around to see if anyone had seen what happened and sure enough, some kids across the parking lot in bikinis and cutoffs and other party gear, were loading up their truck with beer and saw what happened. One of them yelled over, "Damn, that looked like it hurt, Lady," and I said, "Yeah, it really did." Then I put the child in the car and we headed home.

Somehow, even though we hadn't spent much time there, the apartment was still a wreck. I did so well at Bill's house, you practically couldn't tell we'd even been there, but our house... what a mess. :( So, I started laundry, put things in the dishwasher, and tried to get stuff ready for the week.

I think sometimes my weekends are harder than my weeks... and I need to work on readjusting that, because they're supposed to be a time of rest and recuperation or something, right?

Anyway, that was Memorial Day weekend. It was a good/ busy one. How've you been? <3

the future's so bright...

2010-05-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

... I'm going blind.

I want to go back to school. I'm smart and talented, and mature enough to do well if I were able to do so. But, I don't have the time... or money really.

The money's not the biggest problem, I've never minded putting classes on credit or taking out loans for them. I believe that whatever I learn will repay me in ways far beyond money. I guess you could say that money is the least of my worries in going back to school this time.

It's the time involved that is the biggest concern now. It's the infrastructure and support system. It's that I have a young son who cannot be left alone. It's that I already work and have to spend time away from him and, though I need my space and adult activities to stay sane, and someone has to be the bread-winner in our dyad, I actually hate giving up any more of our awake time together than I am forced to.

This desire/ need to go back to school is just one of the many scenarios in which it would be good to have a parenting partner and why I'll tell anyone to go traditional with their child rearing practices if they can (or to plan ahead way better than me career-wise if they're going the single parent route). In a way, I have a few parenting partners. My friends have really come together to support me in many ways. Other parents at our daycare have stepped in every now and then to watch James so I could go do something for myself. However, the child's father is still the primary partner in this venture though he has limited his role through some of the personal choices he's made. The fact that I am the fierce guardian of our child's safety and well-being and will not allow some of the repercussions of his father's choices to have an influence on or any contact with our son also limits his involvement in some ways.

Anyway, I think going back to school will have to wait until James is a little more able to take care of himself, or I have a trustworthy partner whom I can trust to have James' and my best interests in mind. Whether this partner is another single mother or a couple with whom I can trade child rearing favors, a romantic partner who wants to make a family with James and I, or maybe his father decides to be honest and trustworthy, and seriously upgrade his priorities, it doesn't matter how it happens. I'm just going to have to wait for more auspicious circumstances to come along.

Going back to school and completing a degree in Nursing, which is what I'm thinking would be a great fit for me, would give James and I a better life. I'd be able to save more money for his college and my retirement, afford a better place for us to live, music and other kinds of lessons, summer camps, better toys and things for him. I'll be able to give him better opportunities. That's what I want. I want my child to have things I didn't. I want him to be able to go to Oxford, or Harvard, or Brown, or MIT, or Julliard, or wherever wants him or he wants to go... because even though some of those places wanted me and even offered me scholarships, I couldn't go... because we couldn't afford it... and I wasn't, now thinking back on it, wasn't really stable and secure enough to have handled it at 17... but I want James to have more and be more than I ever will be. I can't give him that as I am now... but I could, if I grew and changed and became more, myself.

I just don't want to compromise too much... I don't want the time we have now, while he is still so young, to be wasted or cheapened because I'm anxious about his future.

I love being able to come home and play with James for a while before dinner every day, I love playing with him during his baths, at breakfast, etc. I love the weekends when sometimes we get up, eat breakfast, and then go back to bed for a while. I love taking him with me to go do things in the city. I love giving him new foods to try, showing him things, and giving him new music to listen to. I love introducing him to new people.

You should've seen his face when we were at Pachanga Festival and he saw violinist Hadyn Vitera playing. He was mesmerized by the violin and his electric violin (Viper). After the mini-show was over, James ran right up to the stage and stood there watching the musician put away his gear, and bouncing to the music (Hearts on Fire by CutCopy) playing. I know he comes by his love of music naturally. I loved the looks on his face when he had his first mango paleta: COLD... SWEEEEET... MORE!... NOW! You could see all the feelings cross his face like clouds racing across the blue field of a summer sky.

I love snuggling with my child. He gives the best hugs. Unlike adults who guard themselves so closely sometimes and give awkward one-armed "hugs", James' whole being is involved. I love carrying his sleeping body up the stairs from the car. I love being the last person he sees before he sleeps and the first person he sees when he wakes up. I don't want to compromise and lose any of that because of dreams I have for him that may not be what he eventually wants. I mean, he hasn't even begun to dream for himself yet. But then, even if my dreams aren't his, if I do better by myself and for him, it'll give him more room to dream and give me more ability to help him achieve them.

We still have so far to go and I'm very excited about our journey... but I'm trying to be patient too... to plan better than I have before... and to love every minute I have with my son. I'm learning that it's okay to wait... while planning ahead so that when I finally don't have to, I can hit the ground running. :)

stealing from yourself

2010-05-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

This is a touchy subject... how do you deal with a gift or an action that is inappropriate, or not 'right', poorly timed, or is otherwise unfortunate?

I don't consider myself to be a horribly picky person... but over the years, it's been pointed out to me that I am rather particular about some things. Like food... I don't care for lettuce and I really dislike melons in a mixed fruit cup/bowl... to me they're cheap and gross and a waste of space... if I'm going to pay for a fruit salad somewhere, I want fruit I enjoy and that's worth paying as much for as you have to pay for a fruit salad. So, I'll ask waiters and waitresses what fruits they have and if I can have no melon, just the other stuff instead, or just a cut up fruit... like a grapefruit half or a banana or something. Or I'll order something else as the side. I have been known to eat melons... but it's really rare.

I'm picky about fabric and color as well. I've relaxed quite a bit on the color issue since becoming a mother... beggars can't be choosers and James doesn't care what I wear. I'm Mommy and therefore beautiful in his eyes. :) I used to, however, never ever ever wear pink or salmon or peachy pink. Being a girl, that was a huge color problem while growing up... it was a cause for tears and screams and secret destruction or hiding of certain items of clothing. I do occasionally wear things in that color range now... but not much and it's still not a mainstay in my closet.

I'm seriously picky about a few things, but for the most part, am flexible. If something isn't right to a point where I feel like I have to say something about it, I'll raise my voice in protest... but then, more often than not, whoever I've complained to takes whatever it is away or just stops doing it entirely. So, I lose any chance of either getting the thing I wanted OR the sort of incorrect/uncomfortable (but sometimes mostly right) version of it. I feel like I'm being punished for being communicative about my needs/ wants, for trying to be understood better.

I know it's something to do with the way I do or say things. The way I say, "Thanks, but next time could you ___ instead?" or, "Thank you so much, but I prefer __ instead," whatever it is I'm doing. I guess I have some tact issues... and I'd like to fix them because the current results are, at best, annoying to everyone (me included). I think it's the "but" part... but how do you manage to thank someone for thinking of you, and at the same time express a preference for something similar but not what you have been given or what has been done to you... or let someone know what you really like or prefer without offending them?

I feel like I'm not unintelligent... it's just that there are different kinds of intelligence and this kind isn't my strong suit. I can read people really well in many ways, but when it comes to how I come off... I'm blind.

Some people's solution is to just say "thanks" and leave it at that, and yeah, I suppose that would work... but what if the other person just keeps giving you the wrong things or doing the wrong things to you or something? Won't it be worse later if you correct them after they've done it more often and believe that you really enjoy it or find it completely acceptable? Isn't it sort of like hiding something about yourself from them if you don't tell them what you actually want? Do people not actually want to know you better or give you things you like/ need/ want?

I just... I don't know. This is one of those areas in life where I feel like a Martian anthropologist.

Anyone have any ideas?

Moving up.

2010-04-30T07:52:00.003-07:00

So, they finally gave us a date for James to move up from the Dewdrops to the next classroom. In another two weeks, he'll no longer be in the baby room. He'll be in the toddler room.

He went and visited the Hummingbirds a few days ago for the first time. I think he was overwhelmed a little because he's used to being the big man in the room, the tallest, the strongest and most active, and the most able. However, in the new room, he's more average. There are some familiar faces in the new room, but James hasn't seen them in so long that he probably doesn't really recognize them anymore. Of course I remember the kiddo who bit James on the face (he better not do it again, grrrr), the one with the continually super-runny nose (adorable and gross at the same time, poor little thing), and a few of the others, too. It's nice to see how they've progressed.

I know he'll have more fun in this new classroom once he gets over the adjustment to it. He'll thrive and learn a lot. It's funny though, I think back and try to remember my first memories... of pre-school, of finger painting, of pretending to fly to faraway places in a plastic refrigerator, of chasing other kids and being chased, the first time I ever had to stand in a line, of all kinds of things, and then the more recent, but still distant past. The shock of coming from my tiny hometown to UT... I was one of the best and brightest at my high school, Salutatorian, National Merit, without even trying really, or ever learning how to study, I just did my homework, showed up for tests, and was a really good test taker. At UT, almost everyone I ran into (I lived next to the Honor's Dorms) was a Valedictorian or Salutatorian and/or National Merit and/or some kind of genius and it blew my mind. I felt small and unshiny. Later, I sort of managed to come into my own... but it took a while to readjust my world and self-view to deal with the new circumstances... and it's still hard for me... it wasn't just then... I've been shocked with changes a few times... because I didn't know enough about what was coming or could be, or who I am out of context... and sometimes even, who I am IN context... and so, when cornered or severely hurt, I definitely shut down and retreat... I still haven't mastered keeping my mouth shut... but now it's mostly to a place of talking-down to you, cold, intellectualized not-niceness. I guess it's better than screaming which also doesn't help anything much.

I'm glad that James is learning how to view himself and others in many different ways early on... I want him to be secure in the person he is regardless of his circumstances. I don't want his faith in himself to be shaken dramatically one day... leaving him with more questions than answers when he looks in the mirror. And I know that most people go through that at least once in their lives, but maybe when he hits that point, it'll go easier for him than it did for me. I think that these little shake ups early on will help him be more adaptable and resilient and less like me in some ways.

I want him to be a tremendously self-powerful, successful, and happy man one day. This is my hope for him. He has all the raw talent and tools to be this man; it's my job to help give him the opportunities and experiences that will help him learn to use them, and a safe place to come home to when he's ready to rest.

Cooking for two

2010-04-22T07:55:00.001-07:00

My life is centered around the child and has been since I discovered his existence. What I ate fed him for almost 18 months. We were one cohabitational entity for nine months and then split in two... and we've been growing apart in some ways ever since, but growing closer in others. It is what it is.

I started slowly substituting formula for breast milk when James was about 8 months old, because he was going to daycare, my milk was starting to dry up, and when we moved for the final time last year (five times in a year) we had to throw out a whole lot of the supply I'd laid in of frozen breast milk because our new-to-us freezer is incredibly small. When he got to 9 months, we stopped breast feeding entirely.

This was sad in some ways, but joyful in others. I had my breasts back to myself! Of course, they're not the same shape that they were and my rib cage is slightly bigger, so none of my bras fit perfectly anymore... but they're mine to do with as I please again. Ha! The sadness was centered around the bittersweet idea that my son is another step closer to being independent of me.

It's more trouble to carry around packets of formula, bottles, and wonder about water purity and temperature. Breast feeding means no bottles, almost no clean up, and it's always the right thing for the child. It's also an intimate experience. From my body to yours. What I eat is processed by my body, almost by magic, so that my child can be sustained by it. It's a strange experience, almost holy in a way... and then you get bitten a few times, and your nipples get chapped or crack or bleed or get infected, and then you're like, "THIS IS HELL," except for the peaceful look on your child's face, eyes closed, fully intent, your bodies in a gentle rhythm of breathing and giving and receiving life. I swear, I fell in love with my child a hundred times when he ate till full and then gently fell away from my breast asleep in my arms. There were times when feeding him was so painful that I cried, but for my son, I would do anything and I was glad that I could feed him myself for at least a few months.

Spooning food into his eager mouth was fun, too... once we got over the initial refusal of all solids as being "of the devil" as evinced by screams and cries of horror from the child. :) He's been pretty easygoing and not picky with most foods once he realized that they were food.

A few weeks ago, James started refusing to eat his oatmeal or any other mushy baby food type thing (unless it was fruit which is pretty sweet, and even that he complained about a bit). I knew it was time to move him up to chunkier foods and even to let him eat grownup people food and feed himself. I'd known it was getting close for a while, but it was hard to let go. I really enjoy feeding the child, connecting with him through food. There's a sense of accomplishment when we finish something.

It's okay though, because now we've got something better going on.

I'm learning to cook, for real. I don't have a whole lot of time when I get us home from work/ daycare, but I've been learning to throw healthy food together and I've been cooking food for his lunches/ daytime meals at night. We definitely eat some scrambled eggs and toast and cut up fruit. It's easy and super fast. But we also eat things like steak, mashed potatoes (with a little skin left in), and asparagus. It may not be fancy cooking, but I'm using fresh, organic, and locally grown ingredients as much as possible. I never took so much time selecting my own food or thinking about balancing fruits and veggies or serving sizes and things. I've always liked the idea of being a foodie, and now, with my son as my copilot and taste-tester, I am finally really becoming one.

Watching him eat the food I make and enjoy it, when he does, is a tremendous feeling. It's accomplishment that I did something he likes, that he's capable of feeding himself, and that I'm doing something healthy for him. In that vein, I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas for super simple, fast recipes or cookbooks, especially things that both babies and adults could eat? I'm still kinda just winging it for now. :)

Some kind of -itis

2010-03-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

"Sooo, I love my job and I love my baby.
I used to love my life, but now sometimes, I just kinda like it, maybe."

I wonder if this is a common thing... to be so torn between working and wanting to be home to raise my child. I accept that I have to work so that we can have insurance and so that I can provide us with food, clothes, shelter, and toys. I don't like that it means that the daycare workers see my son awake more than I do and that they are so intimately responsible for shaping him.

The other day, I heard that they were going to move a child up to the next classroom. Since my son has been almost walking (he'll walk all over if I hold one hand, and a little on his own), saying little words, doing some signs, and knocking things over... while none of the others were as mobile or advanced... I really thought it would be him. However, there was a baby who is technically a few months older than him, but because she was premature she's still developmentally behind him (I read that very premature babies don't generally catch up to their same-age peers until they're 2 years old) but they decided to move her up instead. I was okay with this until I heard that they weren't moving any other babies up for almost two more months.

Two months from now, my child will be running over everyone in the baby room, including the newest babies which enter at 3 months. For the next two months he basically won't be learning anything new from watching or interacting with his classmates because he's more advanced than them. Then I started feeling anxious because they're not inspiring my son. I don't want him to be bored and feel like things are too easy. He's learned all he can in the baby room, he needs to be up with the toddlers. He's already trying to climb the fence to get in with the older kids... but there's not room in the next level yet. It would be different if it was just another week or so till he moved up, but MONTHS?!

So, what am I supposed to do? At home during the evenings and weekends, I'm teaching him, talking to/with him, reading to him, signing with him, playing him music and singing him songs, showing him educational videos, pausing to talk about what's on the screen, and helping him stretch his physical and mental facilities as much as I can in varied ways.

At school this morning, I talked to the daycare teachers, expressing my concerns, and asked them to bring in some puzzles and toys that require more thought so that hopefully he'll be able to problem-solve and be entertained instead of just throwing things around and knocking things over. I'm going to have to talk to the daycare leaders though and tell them that this sort of thing isn't acceptable. If he's more ready to move up than someone else, he should be moved up... REGARDLESS OF AGE... if they can't do this, and keep my son inspired and constantly learning, I will have to find some other place to take him.

Ability should come before personal feelings. My son is more able than the other child and should've been promoted first.

If I were a stay-at-home mother, this wouldn't be a problem. I'm frustrated and angry that I don't have the control I want over my son's educational opportunities and potential future... instead it's left up to others. And yes, I'm grateful for them, they do a good job in general, but it'll never be as good as what I would do.

It makes me resent having to be at work. I enjoy my job in general. I like my coworkers. I love being on campus. But I would much rather be with my son. Sometimes, feeling this way, causes my work to suffer.

Thoughts? Ideas for what to do? How to deal with this sort of thing?

Appearances

2010-03-02T06:16:00.000-08:00

So, the other day, James and I were doing a few fun things around town and we ended up pretty close to his father's house. He'd previously said he would be available about the time that we were there, so I texted him and told him where we were and asked if he wanted to meet up with us.

He said he'd show up shortly. That he was going to take a shower, etc.

He showed up way before I figured he'd have had a chance to have a shower. He was still in dirty soccer clothes, and that was fine, but his game was at 8am and it was now after 2pm. You'd think he'd've had the opportunity to get cleaned up. Ehhh. Whatevs. Dirty clothes, smelly guy, it's not extraordinary for him to be like that.

However...

He turned his head slightly to the side and there it was... it took me a minute to register what I was seeing. Then, I said to him quietly, "Do you know that you have a hickey?"

He said, "COOOL!!! Where?"

I gave him a look, "Where do you THINK? That's really gross!"

My heart started to race. All I could think was: "HOW TOTALLY DISGUSTING AND TRASHY! Then, I thought, OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS GOING TO SEE THAT AND THINK _I_ DID IT. Then I thought, THEY'RE GOING TO THINK THAT ALL THREE OF US ARE TRASHY! I CAN'T LET ANYONE THINK JAMES IS TRASH! I can't believe this guy would show up like that and expect us to hang around being associated with him. This is not what a good father would do. As a good mother, I would never be like that around James. GROSS. GROSS. GROSS. The only thing to do is to leave. We have to go. Right now."

While this was processing, he said something like, "What am I supposed to do about it? Put make up on it?" And I tried to be polite and change the subject while the gears and flywheels in my brain raced. We chit chatted a little. They lost their soccer game. The event James and I came to was cool. I handed him a sample I'd gotten from somewhere, but I was getting more and more agitated and it was a huge struggle to contain it. Finally, I knew that if we didn't go, I wouldn't be able to hold back so I told him quietly and politely that we really had to leave. He didn't understand why. I tried to explain as calmly as possible, but was rapidly failing... it felt like the hair on the back of my neck was starting to stand up, so I just started walking. He followed. I finally barked at him that he needed to not follow because we couldn't be around someone so effing trashy with a disgusting hickey on his neck. He asked where we were going and I said, "Away from you."

And that's where we went.

He sent me a text message, "When you cool off, you should come back."

However, the disgusting mark would still be there, so I didn't reply or return.

In my opinion, (and I am not an expert, but I did get my BA in Psych with a focus on Human Mating), publicly viewable hickeys are a sign of an incompetent (or inexperienced) lover, and/or someone very possessive or insecure. Marks like that aren't amusing or cool, they are (and should be) embarrassing. At our age, especially as parents, they are trashy to the extreme. You'd think someone in their 30s wouldn't think hickeys were "cool" anymore. As a competent and thoughtful lover, you don't want to mark up your partner so that they wander around looking like they battled a cephalopod, or a failed vampire, or a curling iron or something. If you want to be possessive, why not just pee on your partner? I guarantee that almost no one will want them after that, especially if they shower irregularly.

Anyway, later I was finally a little more able to articulate my feelings succinctly and mostly unemotionally on the matter and sent him the following text:

"I'm glad you want to hang out with James. However, you need to think about what kind of role model you want to be and what you want people to think of him. You can trash up yourself and your life however you want but you better come proper when you're with him. I'm not raising trash. I'm raising someone who could be a hero one day."

I received no reply. That is also far from extraordinary.

It's frustrating to me because I feel like I shouldn't have to tell him that what's okay for someone who is a single, non-parent is oftentimes NOT what's okay for you when you are a parent. Despite the fact that he goes out all the time and parties exactly the same way he did pre-child, he, in fact, is NOT child free. He is (supposed to be) a parent.

In my mind, being a parent is kind of like being the President. People hold you to a higher standard... or at least they SHOULD, and you should try to live up to that... especially in front of your child.

I know he didn't originally want to be a parent, but he's mostly changed his tune (when he finally stopped suggesting that I should've had an abortion even though our child was already born, it was a big step) and now he's started saying that he wants to be a good parent and even doing a few things to achieve that end (he bought babyfood and a crib and cleaned his place). The desire to be a good parent is a Great Start... but wanting to be something and actually being something are two different things. It's the difference between being someone with incredible potential and being someone who actually IS incredible.

As the time passes and I continue to find myself being mother to both my child and to his father, I understand more and more how and why a woman would choose to raise her child alone. Even with that growing understanding, I still believe that his occasional positive contributions to his son are worth putting up with the occasional "WTF?!" moments. I just want my son to grow up to be a very good man: responsible, truthful, honorable, loyal, yes, I want him to have fun but I don't want him to be a complete hedonist, I want him to be a classy guy, a gentleman with a backbone, someone who doesn't take advantage of others, and who protects himself from being taken advantage of, I want him to be compassionate, and strong. I want my son to be the kind of man that people look up to.

I worry that I won't be able to protect him from bad influences, I worry that he'll take the wrong lessons from things he sees. I know that I am far from perfect myself, and knowing my faults inspires me to be a better person. All I can really do is love him with everything I am, minimize contact with gross and bad things as much as possible, explain as much as I can when I can't keep those things away from him, and hope for the best.

I have never completely run out of hope or love... even if my patience and good will occasionally get tapped out.

What do YOU think about hickeys?

what is evil?

2010-02-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

This is an honest question 'cause sometimes I have a hard time figuring out if what I think is evil actually is or not. I was raised Baptist, they think most things are evil. :D I'm not religious anymore, so I've been working on my own scale of what's evil/ bad/ good and whatnot.

Anyway, here's an example:

Say someone you know has decided to hate someone they have to deal with indefinitely: like a neighbor in a neighborhood of houses so it's hard to move because you've bought the house and you're in a mortgage and the economy is bad, for instance.

Say this person tells you that he/she has decided to do everything in his/her power to make the hated neighbor's life miserable, including doing super-nice things for the other neighbors to try to sway them to his/her side of things and eventually make them hate the neighbor, too.

Basically, instead of dealing with the problem by attempting to work with the neighbor, maybe by being considerate or compromising or something, or seeking outside mediation in a fair way, the person you know is going to manipulate other people into making the neighbor's life miserable. And this could potentially go on forever.

Is that evil of the person?

I'm of the opinion that it's certainly shitty if nothing else... but I'm pretty sure that it's wrong in an evil sort of way, too. Doing things that look good on the surface, but which are intentioned to purposefully hurt someone else... this just doesn't sound right to me. It's saccharine when you're expecting honey... still sweet, but one will give you cancer.

Truthfully, pre-baby, I think if I were a friendly acquaintance of this person, I would probably have taken advantage of the potentially fake nice/fun stuff for as long as I could before taking definitive preventative/safety measures. I was generally a lot more hedonistic/ curious to know the why and wherefore of other people's behavior before I became a mother. Now though, I just don't have the time, energy, or inclination to keep things in my life that could dramatically blow up or turn on me anymore... excepting, of course, people I cannot remove entirely for genetic reasons.

Thoughts?

SXSW

2010-02-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

My god, I love South by Southwest. I love it ridiculously. I love the pandemonium, running into friends and acquaintances, the rush of getting into a party. The thrill of being on the list. I love RSVPing. I love getting someone else into a party as my 'Plus One'. I love eating and drinking for free. I love the way you can just bob from place to place and never be bored, never stop seeing something new, never stop hearing something interesting, and how the place is full of strangers.

I used to take off the entire week of Spring Break for my birthday gift to myself. Then it became just the last half of the week and the following Monday so that I could just do music and I'd have time off during the year for other things.

Anyway, due to being a working single mother, my kid being sick a whole bunch this year and burning up all my sick/vacation time, and THE VERY BAD NO GOOD AWFUL ECONOMY, I have to work during South by. Soooo, I bought my son very good ear muffs (part of his Xmas present!) to block sound/noise and we're going to go out and be weekend rockstars. (At least we're going to try.)

So, to that end, I'm going to post a few RSVPs here. Just some of the fun things that are on the Saturdays and Sundays of SXSW and a few other things that are weeklong/multiple day parties/events. I post/ repost a lot of other things on my twitter feed: @astar_alone HOWEVER, if you want to know about ALL the parties, you should check out the people in the know (and this is by no means an exhaustive list) like:
@thepeenscene @knuckle_rumbler @austinbloggy @ultra8201 @atxhipsters @wornwhite @laurenlytle @sailorlegs @do512 (and all of the @do512 people) @sweetleaftea (and all the @sweetleaf people) @misohungry @broylesa @chrontourage @laniAR @wherescarla @richard_henry @dominixon @atxfoodnews @flipscene @tollym @stephensurefire @sxswfreenoms @sxswist @sxswpartylist @sxswparty(or search twitter for #sxsw or follow the list I made of @funintheatx) or just start looking around twitter for other wonderful people who tweet and blog about everything there is that goes on in Austin all the time.

If you ask some of these people nicely, you might even be given glorious access to their files of wonder and find the RSVPs to all the public parties collected in one place, and maybe even details on secret and selective parties that you know you want to go to.

Speaking of, I just got this:
@FlipScene
We just got a hold of someone's list of parties during SXSW. The really good ones haven't been announced yet. http://bit.ly/9QRzfH

(I'm not sure how long that link will be good, so click it while it's hot.)

Beyond the twitterati, I would check the following sites for info on SXSW (and Austin events in general):
http://www.do512.com
http://www.showlistaustin.com
http://austinist.com/
http://sxsw.ning.com/

Anyway, without further ado here are some week/several days long and Saturday and Sunday parties (it's not comprehensive as these should mostly be non-wristband/badge events, and I've left off some whose RSVPs are already full):

Weeklong:

The PureVolume House
PV House
504 Trinity
(open during SXSWi and SXSW music)
Among other things, there will be free Taco Bell.
http://www.purevolume.com/thehouse

Levis Fader Fort
The Fort 1101 E 5th St
1p - TBA
Drinks. Music. Awesome.
http://www.facebook.com/levisfaderfort
@levisfaderfort

(The RSVP isn't up yet, but will be soon. Check there and check their twitter.)

All Together Now
The Bayou
FREE/ $5 Under 21
More details will be coming, for this MTV/Invisible Children sponsored event:
Wednesday, March 17th – Street-Teamers promoting sponsors and showcases all day.
Thursday, March 18th – Street-Teamers promoting sponsors and showcases all day.
Friday, March 19th – Bands Noon to 2am
Saturday, March 20th – Bands Noon to 2am
Slots: 25 mins w/ 15 min change-over
http://www.atnshowcase.com/details/rsvp/

----------------------------------

Saturday 3/13/2010:

WindowsPhone Blogger Lounge
Austin Convention Center Room 19A
9:30a - 6p
http://sxswbloggerlounge.eventbrite.com/

Buffalo Exchange Day Party
Buffalo Exhange
12p
Free/ No RSVP

Mobile Social
Mellow Johnnys
2p - 11p
Urban Ride
* BBQ
* After Party
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=125560744351

Survey Gizmo Party
PureVolume House
4p - 7p
free food and drinks
http://thesmallbusinessweb.com/sxsbw/

3six5 meetup
The Gingerman
5p
http://twtvite.com/nmcqxe

Mozilla SXSW Happy Hour Party
Cedar Door
6p - 8p
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=310283178032

The Bigg Digg Shindigg
Stubb's
7p - 12p
Diggnation Live & The Walkmen!!
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=311714389768

(RV)IP NING Lounge
Mobile Party: follow twitter.com/ning to find the RV.
8p - 11p
karaoke and drinks
https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=305166980218&ref=mf

------------------
Sunday 3/14/2010:

Adobe Brunch
Convention Center
10am
bacon, coffee and geekery
http://adobesxswbrunch.eventbrite.com/

WindowsPhone Blogger Lounge
Convention Center Room 19A
9:30a - 6p
http://sxswbloggerlounge.eventbrite.com/

Buffalo Exchange Day Party
Buffalo Exchange
12p
Free

KickApps Bar Party
Hickory Street
7p - 10p
free drinks for the first 100 RSVPs
http://www.kickapps.com/barparty

(RV)IP NING Lounge
Mobile Party: follow twitter.com/ning to find the RV.
8p - 11p
karaoke and drinks
https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=305166980218&ref=mf

Cupcake Social
http://plancast.com/a/pf8
(Keep checking for more info. The party wasn't completely planned when I posted this.)

Geobash
PureVolume House
8p - 4a
http://plancast.com/a/wnn

----------------

Saturday 3/20/2010:

Flatstock 24
Austin Convention Center
10a - 6p
Flatstock 24 will display the works of more than 100 artists from across North America and the globe. Posters representing decades of styles, colors and techniques will be on display and for sale as well as additional merchandise.
Free

SPUNE 2K10 SXSW DAY PARTY
J Black's Feel Good Lounge
11:30am - 6:00pm
SARAH JAFFE (Denton)
DAN MANGAN (Arts & Crafts / Vancouver)
TELEGRAPH CANYON (Fort Worth)
THE ORBANS (Fort Worth)
SERYN (Denton)
DOUG BURR (Denton)
MONAHANS (Austin)
SPONSORED BY: Tito's Vodka, Waialua Soda, J Blacks, Cupprimo's Cupcakes, Caffe Medici, pan-ector industries, Y&YRS
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=319431403341

East Meets Fest
Uchi-801 South Lamar
11:00am Curses (myspace.com/thecurses)
11:45am Many Birthdays (http://www.manybirthdays.net)
12:30pm Dana Falconberry (http://www.danafalconberry.com)
1:15pm Woven Bones (http://www.wovenbones.com)
2:00pm The White White Lights (www.thewhitewhitelights.com)
2:30 pm The Red Boys (http://bit.ly/a6DiES)
2:45pm The Authors (www.theauthorsmusic.com)
Between sets The Octopus Project (theoctopusproject.com)
**Japanese street cuisine and beer will be available for purchase**
Free/ Open to Public (Carpooling/Biking is strongly encouraged)
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=340080507800&index=1

Urban Outfitters Back Lot Party
Urban Outfitters
Free/ No RSVP
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4008/4383375812_e2d804f2d6_o.jpg
http://lstn.urbanoutfitters.com/

Rachel Ray's Party
Stubb's
11a - 4p
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=296043629868&ref=ts

Sounds Australia/Aussie BBQ
Maggie Mae's
12pm - 2am
BBQ
http://www.stagemothers.com/rsvp/

MPress Records
Soho Lounge
11:30 am - 5:30 pm
Katie Costello, The Mieka Canon, Seth Glier, Paper Raincoat, Rachael Sage, Melissa Ferrick and The Kin
http://my.sxsw.com/events/event/42
Email to: rsvp@mpressrecords.com

The Seattle Party 2010
Beauty Bar
12p
http://sxseattle.com/

Aussie BBQ
East Tent, Brush Square Park
12:00 pm - 7:30 pm
free food and drinks
http://my.sxsw.com/events/event/4898

Do512: The Big One
The Compound (This Venue may be changed)
12p-6p
Holy Fuck, Warpaint, Hood Internet, Royal Bangs, Miss Li, WhoMadeWho
Free Drinks from Shiner and Deep Eddy Vodka
http://do512.com/c/sx2010/event/2010/03/20/do512-presents-the-big-one-2010#rsvp

Alt Press Day Show
Emos'
12p
1. Never Shout Never
2. Title Fight
3. Hey Monday
4. Ruiner
5. The Cab
6. La Dispute
7. Every Avenue
8. Honor Bright
9. The Summer Set
10. Zlam Dunk
11. There For Tomorrow
12. Cymbals Eat Guitars
13. Stereo Skyline
14. Conditions
15. Lights
16. Terrible Things
17. Sum 41
18. Circa Survive

Free/ No RSVP
Follow on Twitter at: @AltPress

Standard Recording Party
Shakespeare's Pub
12p - 5p
metavari, dead beats, burnt ones, thunderhawk, amo joy, husband and wife, bridges & powerlines, etc.
beer
http://www.standardrecording.com/sxsw/

Twangfest
Jovita’s
12p-5p
http://twangfest.com/2010-sxsw-day-parties-confirmed/

LAWYER4MUSICIANS & KARMALOOP PARTY
MoMo's
1:00pm - 5:00pm
Rakaa Iriscience (Dilated Peoples), The Cool Kids, Cool Calm Pete, 88-Keys, Kidz in the Hall, Bad Rabbits, Hey Champ, French Horn Rebellion, Whatzisface, More TBA
Free (NO RSVP)
http://www.thepeenscene.com/2010/02/fer-yer-health-sxsw-lawyer4musicians.html

Auditorium Shores Concert Series
Auditorium Shores
2p - 9p
Kimya Dawson, 3 p.m.
Dawes, 4 p.m.
Justin Townes Earle, 5 p.m.
Deer Tick, 6 p.m.
Lucero, 7 p.m.
She & Him, 8 p.m.
Free/ No RSVP

Six Stages Over Texas
Block Party On San Antonio St behind Cream Vintage, Hole in the Wall, Slices and Ices, etc.
2 - 10pm
The Crystal Method, Admiral Radley (Jason Lytle & members of Earlimart), The Hounds Below (Von Bondies new project), Tommy Lee (Motley Crue Dj-ing), The Lions, Buick Mackane, Findlay Brown, The World's Greatest Ghosts, Holiday Shores, That Ghost, The Points North, Candy Claws, King of Conspiracy, The Glorious Veins, Dinosaur Bones, Jeremy Messersmith, Mata Leon, Mon Khmer, Miss Dust, Nazcar Nation, DJ Jason Soundstorm, Kids At The Bar, Boy Eats Drum Machine Boy, DJ Czech One, DJ Laissez Faire Club, Halves, TIGER! SHIT! TIGER! SHIT!, Killola, Red Leaves, The Vitamins
***$20 cover benefitting Yele Haiti***
http://www.sixstagesovertexas.com/
(This is the only party I'm posting that costs anything, but check out the line up!)

Nom-A--Thon
Cedar Door
Mount Righteous, Linus of Hollywood, and world record performance of "Hamster On A Piano (Eating Popcorn)"
http://nom-a-thon.com/

Filter Magazine's Showdown at Cedar St.
Cedar St. Courtyard
11a-6p
11:00a-1:00p Julia Marcell. L. Stad, Pustki
1:00 Children Collide
1:50 Codeine Velvet Club
2:40 Athlete
3:30 The Constellations
4:20 The Boxer Rebellion
5:15 Frightened Rabbit
Free BBQ
http://filtermagazine.com/index.php/rsvp/sxsw/

Dickies Sounds
Lustre Pearl
3p - 2a
3p Golden Triangle
4p This Will Destroy You
5p Oh No Ono
6p Sondre Lerche
http://filtermagazine.com/index.php/rsvp/dickies/

Carniville
MACC
12p - 8p
MAJOR LAZER, the walkmen, diplo, glass candy, the very best, rusko, the toxic avenger, jack beats, kid sister, hudson mohawk, sleigh bells, yacht, GZA, amanda blank, japanther, the death set, dam funk, franki chan, acid girls, men, ninjasonik, juiceboxxx, best coast, cymbals eat guitars, jokers of the scene, maluca, popo, l-vis 1990, nadastrom, moonrats, 12th planet, paul devro, wild yaks, royal bangs, bosco delrey, cubic zirconia, dr. manhattan, outasight...
There will be rides! games! carni food! fun booths! free booze!

www.austincarniville.com (RSVP wasn't officially open when I posted this.)

Music For Listeners
Red House Pizzeria
12p - 6p
12p Big Soy
1p Charlie Parr
2p Wild Moccasins
3p Allo Darlin'
4p Elk City
5p Still Flyin
6p She Keeps Beez
Free
http://www.musicforlisteners.com/mflatredhouse_day01.html

---------------------

Sunday 3/21/2010:

Six Stages Over Texas (Continues from Saturday)

Carniville (Continues from Saturday)

the thing about time

2010-02-09T11:24:00.000-08:00

Is that it takes as long as it takes.

I've finally discovered the power of saying "NO" and meaning it.

And yes, I know I wrote the last post about forgiveness and being forgiven and all that, and maybe you'll say that writing this now is hypocritical of me, but bear with me, I have a point. The point is: Sometimes, in order to be able to forgive later, you have to protect yourself now.

(Not only from others, but from yourself. Seriously. At times, it's better to withdraw in silence than to let yourself keep talking.)

Before I became a mother, I didn't have anything much to protect. I never saw myself as anything worth defending. After everything I've been through in this life, what worse could anyone really do to me? You could harm my physical body, but you would never break my spirit. I've been beaten before. I've been harmed in ways you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, both by other humans, and by strange circumstances, mentally and physically. The thing is, no matter what happens to you, no matter how life tries to crush you, you can't just lie there, you have to get back up. You have to keep moving. You have to get away. I'm good at getting back up.

Anyway, becoming a mother turned on a light switch for me. My son inspires me to joy, he inspires all of my love and all of my protective instincts. I want him to learn, to experience as much of the beauty this life has to offer as he can. I know that some harm will come to him along the way and that that is part of life and eventually attaining freedom and self-sufficiency, but in the meantime I am his protector and defender. I am his champion. It is my solemn duty, and great pleasure, to shield him from the worst this world has to offer for as long as I can.

When someone sets off my mother alarms through making comments about their hatred of children, or lying, or disrespecting me, or any number of things, my instinct is to make sure that my child is absolutely not accessible to them. I am not going to deny my instincts or ignore them. I am going to protect my child. If someone threatens me, they are, by extension, threatening him and I will react accordingly. I will draw a circle that will keep people of this kind O-U-T, out.

Anyway, that's sort of an aside, related, but an aside. Sometimes, you just need a break. You need to step away from the crazy before you get drawn farther into it. Step away and let time work its magic. Forcing the issue too soon won't fix or help anything, it'll just make it worse. It's like trying to walk too soon on a broken leg or bending a finger with a just-staunched gash to a joint; when you break the scab, it'll just keep bleeding.

If someone says, "I don't want to have anything more to do with you," you should leave them alone. It's okay to make some sort of plea in reaction: for understanding, maybe an apology, to let them know that you want to reconcile. After that though, be respectful and let them go. Let them have space and peace. When they're ready to talk to you again, they'll unblock you, or they'll make an effort. When THEY are ready. Not you.

This is something I too have had to learn. Timing is everything in life. If I'd been more patient at times, well, my life wouldn't be the way it is. If I'd waited longer to do some things, I would never have done them. Mainly though, patience isn't my virtue... or at least it wasn't.

When it comes to my son, patience and caution are commingled. They inform each other and work together to keep him safe. In keeping him safe, I have learned to protect myself. No one else will or can do what I have to do, be who I have to be. No one else loves my son the way I do or loves me the way he does. When I put him to bed at night in his crib and he clings to my hand until he falls asleep, it's the sweetest and most heartbreaking thing in the world. Only another mother could truly understand that or how fiercely I would fight to protect him. I could identify before, but I never felt the way that my son makes me feel until he came into my life. I did not know it was possible to feel this way.

The risks I used to take with people, to forgive them immediately and give them seventy times seven chances, I cannot take when it might effect my son negatively. I don't have the energy or time to deal with the repercussions. If you have a broken bowl and you need to scoop up water, put aside the broken bowl and use one that's not broken. When you're done scooping water, then you can look at the broken bowl and see about fixing it if you really want to. The time to fix the broken bowl is not during a flood, but when there is no emergency.

Forgiveness will come when it is time. I don't hate anyone. I don't believe that anyone is beyond redemption, and I am not unreasonable. I do however, believe that when someone says, "I've had enough," it should be enough, and they should be respected.

"You were worth it."

2010-01-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

Those are some of the best words that have ever been said to me. Even better than some of the instances of, "I love you".

I've screwed up in my life. So so so many times. I can never pretend to be perfect. I never would. I've even done things for which I don't believe I'll ever be forgiven. Partially that's a factor of the badness of the thing done, partially a factor of the person or people effected by the thing.

There are things for which I never believed I would be forgiven, but that I was. There are people in my life who have seen me at my worst, who have been subjected to me at my most depraved... and yet, they have come back to me.

Sometimes people wonder out loud to me how I can be friends with some of the people I am, love the people I love, how I can continue to love people who hurt me... and it's at least partially because I know that I am far from perfect. It doesn't hurt that flawed people are really interesting too.

I love people now, because of, in spite of, their imperfections. I look for their flaws. I've stopped looking for perfection. I just want someone perfect For Me. I want to eventually be with someone whose worst faults are things I can live with. Because all the great events and parties and shows, all the fun flash and whatnot, all the bells and whistles will eventually fade away, and what you'll be left with is everything else. Just the soul of the person. With all its goodness and badness, with all of its multi-coloredness. You'll be left with the essence of a person. With their kindness or their meanness, with their gentleness or their brusqueness, with their desire for closeness, or desire for isolation, with their trust or their suspicions. I want someone to look at me and say, "I love all of you, all of everything, the quirks, the weird things, the good things, the bad. All of it. I love you for being you." I want to be able to look at someone, look into their eyes, and say the same thing.

In utter despair recently I asked a dear friend, "After all I put you through, after everything I did. How did you finally forgive me? Why?" He said simply, "You were worth it."

This is love. It's not romantic, it doesn't have to be. It's just love in its most pure form. It's a feeling, an action, it's something that takes the whole person and accepts them as is.

Though I've quoted it before, I never fully understood the following poem until that moment:

"He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic , rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!"

From the poem "Outwitted"
— Edwin Markham

I felt like I was broken before, I was at a very low point, feeling that all was lost, that I was worthless... and I cried out... but with four small words, I realized how foolish I was to feel that way. I was taken in by the circle.

I believed in myself again... I believe in love... and I am full of gratitude and hope.

2009 recap-ish thing in music

2010-01-15T09:29:00.001-08:00

Yeah, this is late, but it's some of my top most-listened to albums of the year for 2009. I posted some songs from the albums and links to some pretty good remixes and things of interest as well. :)

--------------------

Before I get to the albums. There are a few songs that I kept hearing over the last year that I can't listen to with complete enjoyment anymore because they got overloaded with meaning. Here are a few of those, some in remixed format:

The Killers - Human (The Armin Van Buuren Club Remix)

Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

Journey - Don't Stop Believin' (The Glee Cast Version)

Nelly Furtado - Say It Right
(There's an interesting Bloc Party Cover of this song.)

Katy Perry - Hot and Cold (Yelle Remix)

Lady Gaga - Poker Face (Acoustic)

MGMT - Kids (This is James' song and it's the only one I'm going to explain.) His dad posted a tweet when James was born that says, "A baby is born crying out for attention." It's funny because some of our mutual friends saw his tweet and then freaked out because I didn't post first, but after 13 hours of labor I was kinda not really in the "post stuff" mindframe. I mostly stayed offline for days/weeks after James was born and I didn't really miss it much. This is an interesting cover: Weezer - Kids+PokerFace/ MGMT+LadyGaga (Live)

Kings of Leon - Use Somebody (DJ Slink Remix)

Black Eyed Peas - I Got A Feeling (Barletta Edit)

Kimya Dawson - My Rollercoaster

Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

Amanda Blank - Shame on Me (Chew Fu Festival Fix Mix)

----------------------------------

And now on to the albums.

1. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
This was my top most listened to album of the year. And all the remixes. Man. There wasn't a bad song on the whole album.

Fences (Friendly Fires Remix)
Fences (Jongleur Remix)
1901 (Bo Flex + Passion Pit Remix)
Armistice (Yacht Remix)

2. Florence + The Machine - Lungs
This was another really full and solid album. I love her voice. I love the power and the cleanliness of it. And her lyrics. She sings like someone older than she is.

You've Got the Love (XX Cover)
Rabbit Heart (PEST Remix)

3. Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

Two Weeks (Fred Falke Extended Remix)
While You Wait For The Others

4. XX - XX

Infinity (Christian TV Bootleg Remix)
Shelter (Death To The Throne Remix)

5. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavillion

My Girls (Mexicans with Guns Remix)
Summertime Clothes (Dam Funk Remix)

6. Passion Pit - Manners
PP did some really great remixes over the last year, but their album was also really great. :)

The Reeling
Little Secrets (Felix Da Housecat Remix)
Sleepyhead (Starsmith Remix featuring Ellie Goulding)

7. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Bliss

Heads Will Roll (Passion Pit Remix)
Zero (RAC Remix)
Soft Shock (Acoustic Version)

8. Miike Snow - Miike Snow

Animal
Silvia (Sinden Remix)

9. Metric - Fantasies

Gold Guns and Girls
Help, I'm Alive (The Twelves Remix)

10. Bat for Lashes - Two Suns

Daniel
Sleep Alone (Live Session Version)
Use Somebody (Kings of Leon Cover)

11. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Higher Than The Stars
Young Adult Friction
This Love Is Fucking Right

12. Fever Ray - Fever Ray

Seven (The Twelves Remix)
When I Grow Up (Bassnectar Remix)
If I Had a Heart (Fuck Buttons Remix)

13. Little Boots - Hands

New In Town (Fred Falke remix)
Mathematics
Remedy (Kaskade Club Remix)

14. La Roux - La Roux

I'm Not Your Toy (Data Remix)
In For The Kill (The Twelves Remix)
Bulletproof

15. Deadmau5 - For Lack of a Better Name

Moar Ghosts N Whatever
Not Exactly
I Remember (Deadmau5 + Kaskade - Caspa Remix)

When in time a feeling goes away...

2010-01-06T14:23:00.001-08:00

... and for a while all that's left is the memory of the feeling... but then... eventually... even the memory of the feeling grows indistinct... there is no need for grief. It's time for joy.

Ten years ago, 2000, I was engaged. I was deeply involved in the most intensely passionate and personally overwhelming relationship I will probably ever have. I lost myself, we lost ourselves in that relationship. He and I. When we came into each other's lives, it was our shared desire for death, that probably most glued us together. We had nothing, nothing but amazing potential and the crushing expectations of our parents and our need to rebel against them. Both of us by underachieving, but also by him dating a white girl with blue eyes and blonde hair, and me by dating a Hispanic boy with green eyes, us both, by living together unmarried in a blatant "fuck you" to the religion of our families.

We tried to escape the bonds of this world and fall up into the nameless unknown through drugs and dance, and music, and film, and writing, and horrible jobs, and sleep deprivation, and every other way we could, by losing ourselves in each other. We shared plates (one plate at dinner for two people), cups, showers (I rarely had a shower by myself for the majority of our relationship), we only spent maybe a week total of nights apart, practically everything was held in common except toothbrushes and clothing.

At one point, he over-dosed himself and I nursed him through it. His body over-heating from the chemicals, I poured cold water over him and helped him cool down and vomit until his violent fever broke. I held him through the rabid dog dreams that took him far away from me in their jaws and shook his body like a limp rabbit before throwing him back down roughly on the shores of life. Another time I held him above water when he tried to drown himself in a pool shimmering with rain that shone golden under streetlights. I swore time and again that I would never leave him, that I would always love him.

This turned out to be the crux of the problem. At the beginning of us he had lied to me about who he was and he did not believe that I would love him if I knew the truth. He did not believe that he was worthy of love. He believed that my love was false and would not continue because I loved the person I thought he was, that he had led me to believe he was. He did not want to live a lie forever, but he was afraid to lose my love by telling me the truth.

We started fighting. He fought to make me leave, maybe because he was testing my love. I fought to stay, and against the pain he caused me. I fought also, because I was worried that we would never be more than just surviving and because I started seeing our potential wasted. I would drift away sometimes because he would hurt me, and then out of fear, he would fight to bring me back. It was a strange, back and forth pattern, we did not want to be apart, but we did.

Then, he began to lie about small things, which movie he saw, who he was out with, where he was, maybe he was testing me finally, with whether or not I could love someone who lied. Maybe he wanted me to break up with him so that he did not have to break up with me because he thought I was stronger than him in that way. Regardless, in return I became vigilant and wary as I began to uncover the little lies. I began looking for falsehood in every move he made, and it was too much for us. He could not bear my utter and bare-faced, brutal honesty. He lied and he believed that I lied too.

Anyway, the truth finally was spoken and the truth was finally the thing that broke us... I could not bear the fact that he lied about the fundamental nature of himself of the man he led me to believe that he was. I asked him to leave. I made him leave. He left. I did not know what to believe if he could lie about both his complete inner nature and also about the small things that he lied about. I still loved him, always and forever, but I didn't know who I loved anymore... or if he had ever truly loved me.

He left, but he only retreated a few blocks away. I think we could have gotten back together, but I couldn't stop throwing it back in his face. His failures, our failures. The lies.

I couldn't stop. I was too hurt. I was not able to deal with what happened appropriately. I was too young and inexperienced with life and other people.

Eventually, he really left. He cut me off years ago and went away. We have not spoken since.

I wrapped myself around my pain, around the vacuum left in his wake, I believed that that lack defined me.

All this time, my heart has been mending itself. I was struck with grief about two years ago when I first heard that he was married, I got drunk, did some stupid things, and wrecked a relationship I really wanted to work. I have been afraid that I would never fully heal.

I have loved other people. I do not know if I have ever learned all of the lessons that relationship had to teach me. I should have.

I will never completely empty myself in service of another person, a lover, like I did then. I want to stop being so bitter, always bringing up the failings of the people I love most. This is what killed us in the end, why we could never be friends, why I will never hear from him again... and I am desperately, horribly sorry.

I have found myself doing it again. Injecting poison into a person I loved because he hurt me, by throwing how he hurt me back in his face at every turn. The thing is, once someone has committed an action that hurts you, it's over. The incident only lasts as long as it lasts. The ramifications of the action may reverberate, there may be fallout from an atomic bomb, but it's your choice as to how you react to that hurt. You can hold on to it and embrace it until it informs your every movement, or you can react at the time, and then step back to protect yourself and rebuild.

To truly be able to forgive and forget, or at least forgive and never mention it again, that is what I want to be able to do. My son needs it from me, and, if I ever have another lover, that man will need me to be able to do that too.

I needed a place to put my pain where it can be forgotten. For a while I was putting it out on display in full. But it turns out that that's not ideal so I recently created a "dead letter" blog, anonymous and unconnected to me in any way, where, like in post-secret or something I can put whatever things I feel or need to write there, and no one who knows me will be able to read them or find them. It was important to do that. I can explain myself there and I feel better. I'm not cured, by any means, but I am trying with everything in me, to be able to separate my emotions from my actions more.

I do not want to hurt the people I love and/or care about to the point where we cannot be in touch anymore. To this end, I have sometimes, over the last few years, cut contact for a while. In my mind it was and is better to just STOP, than it was to accidentally, keep chopping them up and slicing them and holding them over the fire.

I'm tired of losing people.

This is the lesson, my ex-fiance taught me, the hardest lesson... and it's taken until now for me to really be able to accept the lesson.

A friend of mine who knew us both found his wedding pictures and sent them to me. I was afraid to look at them at first, but went ahead. I didn't feel hurt, or pain, or anything really. A regret that I was responsible for so much unhappiness in his life, and a regret that we are no longer friends. That was all I felt. Otherwise, I was fine.

I wish I could tell him that I'm sorry, thank you, and I'm glad that you're happy. That's all I have left to say to him after all this time. In this case, I am going to believe that it's the thought that counts.

"...make a little room for a man to hide...

2009-12-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

...peaches are nature's candy in a can or cake or pie..."

I don't know why those lyrics are in my head right now... I guess I keep thinking I need a place, somewhere, to make a little room for my heart to hide.

It's strange.

My heart is wrapped around this little person, this little boy who does not know what it is I feel for him and cannot comprehend it yet, and may never. The love of a mother is something that I don't think anyone who is not a mother can understand. I certainly never expected to feel this way. It's the most painfully intense and wonderful feeling I've ever felt.

Always love for me has been mixed with pain. I do not know pure emotions. Everything is mixed: anger and relief, love and pain, joy and regret, trust laced with doubt. My heart is a mixologist, a bartender like no other.

I am so very very happy for you (and so devastated for me).

This is how I can do what is right, even if it is not best for me. This is how I can do what's best for you even if it is not right for me. This, being able to hold two full emotions in balance in my heart, this is how I survive.

It's our first Christmas together, James and me. It's our first winter holiday as a family. And there's a hole where... where someone else should be, but isn't... and I'm doing my best to make sure he doesn't feel the wind whistling through that gap, and this year, he won't, but I can't guarantee that next year or the year after or beyond.

He says "Mama" now. My son, he says it and it means me. My son has a name to call me by. Maybe this is all I really need right now. My body aches to be held, and my soul is calling out into the void, but maybe all I need is to just be a good mother. Maybe if I am that, if I put everything I am and have into that, the rest will fall away... or better, fall into place.

This is Christmas, the winter holidays, the end of the year, the end of a decade, of an era. I hope that the next decade brings me better luck than this past one.

Who am I going to be this next ten years? Who do I want to be? At the end of it, what will I have to show for myself?

I've been sleeping so little over the last many months that I've mostly stopped dreaming. I usually have vivid dreams but they're gone right now. I need them back. I feel like a partial person without them. In another sense, I don't want to defer my dreams until, like a raisin in the sun, they burst. I need to find my dreams again.

What are your dreams?

I want to weld wings made of scrap metal, car doors and such, and attach them to a building. That's the last giant dream I had.

Smaller dreams I've had were of becoming a nurse so that I can move my son and I out of our unfortunate apartment into a house with a yard.

A dream of coming home to someone. Of curling up on the couch next to someone wrapped in their arms, tangled up in their embrace, of being come home to. Of laughing about my child with them, of having someone to hold onto when his pain is too much for just me to carry. I had that one also.

A medium sized dream was of writing books, some for my son, a novel for me.

Everyone has dreams. We have to hold on to them and not let go, no matter how the wind changes or blows. Sometimes, I feel like my grip is loosening on them. That I will let them fall and shatter, but I can't because so much depends on them and on me.

I've been sick for a few days and I feel foggy now from cold medicine, but hopefully this will make sense to you. I'm going to go lie back down.

At the end, the most important thing isn't a dream. It's Love. Always love. Without that, a dream is worthless.

the day of thanks

2009-11-25T06:29:00.000-08:00

Things that I am grateful for:

1. My son.
His health, his smile, his voice, his fingers and toes, his sticky hands, his two little teeth, his bright blue eyes, his wispy bits of hair, his soft delicate skin, his little chubby knees, for the way he pulls up on things, that he recognizes his name, when he sticks his tongue out and goes pbbth! and when he yells "AHHHH Ah ah ah ah! Ah DADADDADAA BABA AH DAH!" when he's in my bed with me in the mornings and he puts his little hands on my face very gently and makes little sleepy mumbling noises. I'm thankful that I get to hold him. When he puts his arms around my neck, the world is a better place.

2. My friends and family.
Thank you for being around me. For supporting me. For loving my son. Sometimes, you may not think you've done anything, but you have. You guys have kept me going. Each of you has given me a gift by being in my life. Each of you has taught me things and continue to do so. I know that having you in my life has made it better and I'm glad that you're still here now that I have a son and that many of you want to be involved in his life as well. I only hope that I can give back to you as much as you have given me.

3. My child's father.
I'm thankful that despite our personal problems, he loves his son and that he tries to be there with and for him. I'm thankful that he does ask my advice and for my instructions on how to do things when he doesn't know, even when it bothers me sometimes. I'm thankful that he's smart and talented and attractive and has good taste in things because hopefully those qualities will make it easier to raise our son to be all of those things.

4. I'm thankful for my job and my coworkers. It's a good place to work and they're good people and have encouraged me and we seem to all get along well which is unusual sometimes. They've been there with me through my pregnancy and through James' infancy offering advice and tangible help above and beyond what I ever expected.

5. I've been lucky. Despite my occasional isolation, depression, and the black days, things are good. James is basically healthy; we were in a car accident and no one was hurt, I'm basically healthy. We're basically happy. We have basically everything we need. These are things to be grateful for: that we are here at all, and that each day is new.

Love.

the thin line

2009-10-14T07:06:00.001-07:00

A thin red line is all that separates the living from the dead. Hope from despair. Love from hate.

Sometimes, the line is blurred, furred, like your tongue in the morning after drinking too much. Sometimes, it's sharp and bright and all too clear.

The most vehement Christians are often the ones with the most doubt. I know that when I still claimed religion I fought so hard to show how good I was, when all I wanted was to be "bad". I went out of my way to try to "save" people because I was trying to figure out faith and I thought I'd finally feel like a whole Christian if I saved enough other people. I don't know what I was thinking. All I know is that the fever finally broke and I saw clearly that I could not live the life I wanted to live, be the person I was, and be religious too... not without hypocrisy which negates the religiosity. I wanted to be whole and one, as myself, honest.

I found myself over the years though, hiding parts of myself more and more... not being honest... again... because people didn't want the real, undiluted me. I learned to lie by not saying things.

And now, I lie by doing the opposite of what I want sometimes... by saying the opposite of what I mean... and it's not all the time... it's just... I can't even explain it... I'm tired of being hurt... and being honest gets you hurt. Telling someone you love them is the scariest and hardest thing to do... and when they tell you they hate you... and act like it... well... what are you supposed to do? You can't just keep saying you love them... you can't just keep throwing yourself against a wall... you can't keep letting them tear you apart on accident... you just have to start telling yourself that you don't love them anymore... and fight everything in you until it's true.

I am not zen. I will never be a Buddhist... or spiritually enlightened I guess. Faith escapes me... like water through my fingers... like a reflection in a mirror you can never touch.

I am full of fire and light and energy and pain. I am still so hurt... so angry... so broken.

The only person in this life who gets all of my undiluted love is James, my son. And I protect him from my pain. I don't want him to know the depths of my sadness. He is the best and truest thing I ever did. He is the most amazing little person. When he hurts, I hurt. When he smiles and laughs, it salves my wounds. It keeps me going. He is the reason I can get up in the morning. He is why I am still here.

There are all these strange pieces of me that got broken when I found out that I was pregnant. There's the piece that wants to do right and what is best. The piece that is fiercely possessive. The piece that wants to run and play. The piece that never wanted to grow up. The piece that would sacrifice anything for someone else's happiness. The piece that is wracked with guilt. The sexual libertine. The addictive personality. The depressive. The logic bound cynic. The dreamer. The piece that creates. The piece that writes like this. So many little pieces.

I've been trying to get myself back together, but it's hard. There are all the main pieces still there: the sarcastic, darkly humorous girl, the girl who never got touched enough in the right ways, the girl who can't sleep, the girl who loves with her whole self... that girl came back... I never thought I'd see her again. But there are parts of me that are fighting with the others, to be heard and expressed.

Sometimes, when my son wakes up in the night and cries out, I go to him and pet him until he falls back to sleep in his crib. Sometimes though, if he just can't seem to get himself back down, I scoop him up and bring him to my bed with me. The other morning after a rough night for us both, I woke up to his tiny hands all over my face gently touching. When I opened my eyes, he smiled at me and made little noises. It was sweetness embodied. Those are the things I never want to forget. It was at least as good as, if not better than, getting VIP access to a show. I've come to realize that I lived my life up to this point, for those moments. I just didn't know it before.

And so, at times, I am fulfilled. The boy is the sun around which I orbit. What else could I need?

But at times, I am a bird trapped in a golden cage beating my wings against the beautiful bars. I need to be OUT. I need to go be with people. I need to be touched. I need to not be responsible. I need to be loud. I need to shine.

It's the Me versus the Mommy.

Un-mad yourself.

2009-08-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Un-mad... Your! Self!

Un-sad... Your! Self!

Get happy. Get happy. Get happy. WOO!*

This morning at James' daycare, they were playing PYT and Material Girl and some other 80s hits when we walked in, so, even though I was running late, I took a minute to bounce and dance with him a little to the beats. He loves bouncing. The kid is going to be a dancer, he's going to be a menace on the floor one day, I just know it. If he's like me, he'll have a slightly off rhythm and only find maybe one person in the world who has that same hitch in their step. Hopefully, unlike me, he'll be able to figure out how to make it work with that person. Anyway, for the meantime since we can't step on eachother's toes, we do great at dancing together. :)

Leaving him behind, even though I know he loves hanging out at the daycare, playing with the toys and the other kids there, and that the teachers really enjoy him and he enjoys them... for me, it's still hard. Every day, walking away from my son tears at me. The best parts of my day are waking him up in the morning, coming back for him at the end of the day and seeing his face light up when he recognizes me, playing with him, feeding him his dinner, and putting him to bed.

I was told the other day that I seem like an angry person sometimes. This bothers me. I'm not an angry person. I'm just a person... who is sometimes angry or sad or whatever... but who is also happy sometimes... who loves to dance, to write, to sing, to create, and to play with her son. I love to be touched by the right people in the right contexts (strangers beware... grrr). I love getting a good hug sometimes. I laugh. I love to laugh at things that are funny, especially the things that don't hurt anyone. Of course, I admit that I sometimes laugh at the horrible things that people do to eachother or that happen to them, like on FML, but who doesn't? I've had FML days too... and they're horrible when they're happening, but sometimes, they're funny later.

Like the "Who's Your Daddy" party. No, actually on second thought, still not really like that. That's still not really funny to me but I can see how it would be to someone without children or who didn't know the backstory. (Backstory: my child's father decided to throw himself a pre-Father's Day keg party, theme it "Who's Your Daddy?", cohost with and hold it at the house of a girl he slept with during one of our off-times and who later pretended to be my friend and then backstabbed me, and, in spite of the fact that he gave me a lot of hell about paternity [even after the test came back 100% conclusive], he didn't even mention Mother's Day to me, and he barely saw his child during the weeks leading up to this shindig despite my constant invitations for him to do so, still expected me to show up to this special event with our child.) Anyway, if it had happened to someone else, without the same background, I might've chuckled, but would still have said that it was inappropriate to use that phrase as a Father's Day theme. As it was, at the time, I was incensed. Now, I mostly just feel bad that it got blown up so hugely. James' father's sense of the appropriate is obviously rather different from mine. I shouldn't've gotten so angry, but the shock of the total inappropriateness (which is the same thing other people would find funny about it, like a shirt for a baby that says, "Birthcontrol FAIL" on it) knocked me for a loop. I should probably just have told him we weren't coming because it was scheduled to begin right around James' bedtime (true), and kept my upsetness to myself until I could find a better way to express it.

I need to learn to laugh off, or not care about, more things.

The other day there was a storm in the area. I literally got back to work from biking to and from the daycare to feed James his lunch when the sky opened up. I was so happy that I missed the rain. Anyway, it poured all afternoon and I had my fingers crossed that it would stop before I had to go back out in it to pick him up. Amazingly, it did stop... just long enough for me to get almost halfway there and stopped at the longest light in the area (the ones that cross 38th street here all take a super long time to change). I wear glasses and luckily, my bike helmet has a little bit of a bill to it so that helped keep them somewhat clear, but while waiting for the light to change, I got completely soaked through. It's not like there was cover to take, and it's not like the time wouldn't continue marching on or that they'd not charge me for picking James up late just because of rain. At first, I was upset... but then, I just gave up. The wind was blowing the trees all around, green pecans were falling on the street (and a few pelted me), cars were splashing puddles, the rain was HARD, and my backpack was heavy and wet. And, I just started laughing. Because OF COURSE, it would stop raining just long enough for me to get partially there, Of Course I'd get water all inside of my car when I finally got to it. Of Course. When I finally got to James' daycare, I caught sight of myself in a mirror and realized my biking shirt was now seethrough and I was wearing a black bra. Whee! I couldn't stop laughing at myself. And then, to cap it off, the sun came out as soon as I picked James up (wrapped in a blanket to keep him dry) to take him outside to the car. The universe totally got me, and it was hilarious in its own special way. I'm sure the daycare people all thought I was a nut.

It was a: Laugh or you'll start crying, Laugh because you've stepped outside yourself and you can see the schadenfreude all over the place, Laugh to take the fire out of it all, Laugh in the face of certain death, doom, and destruction, Laugh and the world will laugh with (at) you, moment.

I totally laugh at particularly horrible diapers, too... because, my god... such a little man shouldn't create such a massive, revolting mess... and I know what he eats! It sure doesn't look or smell like that on the way in. Yikes. There's nothing to be done about the big nasty except clean it up and make sure that James is comfortable. I guess if he can poop that much it means he's eating plenty, so that's a good thing. Farts are also generally funny... unless they're directed at you.

My coworker just came by and asked if I could change fifty bucks. I said, "Sure." He handed me the bill and I said, "See, I can change it from your hand into my pocket." My sense of humor is literal. It's sarcastic and verbal. It can be off-putting at times. This, I know about myself, but it's not like you can take lessons in how to be funnier to the masses... or, well, you probably can, but I've got better things to learn right now.

I think things would be better, easier for me to be happy about, if James and I were more secure and I weren't worried about where we're going to live, how I'm going to make ends meet, or about my personal health (for financial reasons, I have to wait till after 9/1 to go in to discuss some issues). When I finally get all of that settled, it'll help. I've got a lot of ideas for how to make things better for James and I, and I'm working on them. The problem is that they're mostly all things that can't happen or be finished TODAY, or have an immediate effect. Like Phil Collins (and The Supremes, and Lady O, and whoever else) say(s), "You can't hurry Love. No, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take." But replace the word "love" with "life".

*I sing that to James while I'm bouncing him when he's upset sometimes. I think that being a mom has turned me into a cheerleader of sorts. Weeeeird.

How is one supposed to do this?

2009-08-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

How is one supposed to do this being a single mother thing?

Some days I want to take a time machine back in time, find myself, shake that younger me and yell: "Never sleep with ANYone EVER! Well, actually, I know you will, so, how about, NEVER with anyone who is "just a friend", NEVER with anyone without at least two forms of birthcontrol, and NEVER with anyone who doesn't love you because if you get pregnant and keep the baby, having a guy in your life who hates you and isn't interested in children, is a terrible thing to do to yourself and your child."

I love my son so much. I loved him from the first moment I saw him as a tiny flickering bean on the ultrasound screen. I know it's at least partially because I loved his father that it was so easy for me to love him, but I've loved him for himself too... even when he punched my bladder, kicked the hell out of me, stretched my rib cage until the ligaments ripped, and eventually well, caused me to be in the most concentrated form of physical pain I've ever experienced... for over THIRTEEN HOURS. I've been reading the books and web sites, and all kinds of things trying to learn everything I can and do everything I can to be a great mother for him. I send all kinds of things to his father about being a good father, too... but I don't think he actually reads most of what I send him. I honestly think the guy knows more about the Obama's eating habits than about his son's. It's really frustrating. I feel horrible because I know the guy didn't want to be a father, and because my son deserves a good father, and I don't know how to give either one of them what they want or need in that way. Maybe James' father really does love him, and maybe somewhere in him, his heart is telling him the right things to do and ways to be, but what comes out of him as action sometimes belies that.

It's like Star Wars: Darth Vader loved his son, too. (No, my child's father isn't a super villain or anything... but if he was, his name'd be something like The Party SlOB and he'd live in The Lair of Perpetual Layers... of... Stuff.) Unfortunately, Darth Vader showed his love by hurting the people Luke cared about, trying to turn him evil, and cutting off his hand before he finally did anything that resembled what the rest of us think of as love... and it killed him to do it. Yeehaw. Darth Vader didn't have to worry about trying to rebuild trust or a relationship with Luke. He also didn't have to say he was sorry for anything he did. He just did a big dramatic thing and was done. They had a party for him.

I think that's a problem these days. Almost no one says they're sorry for anything anymore. And maybe they're just not. Maybe as a group we're kind of a bunch of unapologetic buttholes these days... but as for me, I apologize. I do honestly and profoundly feel bad when I hurt other people. I do hope for forgiveness and reconciliation and I am proactive about it. I don't wait for "time to heal all wounds"... and maybe that means I rush into trying to get reconciled before people are ready and that makes things worse between us. I don't know.

I've talked to several people lately who were raised by single mothers (and totally came out great!) and I want to ask them: HOW did your mother do it?! But without being too intrusive or whatever. I mean, I really, honestly just want to know. Not all the logistics so much because lots of things have changed (thank god for cheap disposable diapers!) but the emotional stuff, like, "How did you get through the days? Or, the nights? What did you say when your kid asked where Daddy was or why he didn't live with them? How did you find the strength? Where? How did you stop loving that man enough so that it didn't hurt to look at and love his child? How did you stop feeling things for him enough to be pleasant with him or to at least not react to him or to provocations (actual or perceived) on his part? How did you protect yourself from your child's father while trusting him with your child? How do you protect your child from your dating mistakes if you ever date again? How do you fulfill your dreams and support your child so that he or she can dream and chase their dreams, too? How do you balance work and life?"

I don't know how many steps it'll take to get from here to zen, but I think the following is a good first step.

Step One: Cut Out Distractions
I talked with a counselor recently who told me that I'm doing really well all things considered. She says that I have to fully commit to being James' advocate and warrior, and that anything coming between me and my obligation toward him, should be avoided. In that vein, she told me I should commit to not dating or even trying to meet any guys until after James is a year old. Since I was crying and told her I never wanted to date again EVER, her advice was slightly more reasonable. In all the years I've been dating... I guess since I was 17 or so, I haven't been single for as long as I have now committed to being. So, from now until sometime after 4/1/2010, my baby is my copilot, he's my dance partner, and he's my focus.

Over the years, I have been given, and have purchased, a few battery operated acquaintances. Pretty soon, I'll probably get them out and stare at them for a long time. Probably a while after that I'll get around to putting batteries in one or two of them. Or maybe I'll just become a nun or something. I'm not a prude or whatever, but a toy is no man like a fast food burger is no gourmet dinner, etc.

Man (is Greater than) Toy
Ride in a Ferrari (is Greater than) Ride on the Bus
Gourmet Meal (is Greater than) Fast Food*

Are my preferences clear? Goodness, now I'm all distracted. Ferrari. Yum.

Another thing I'm going to do is trim down the focus of this blog. It's going to be less about the stuff going on in Austin and more about what it's like for me to be a single mother. If you want to know about events/ coupons/ etc. though, I post things like that on my twitter account and sometimes on Fb.

=h=

* For some reason >'s turn into weird formatting or DISAPPEAR ALONG WITH HALF THE TEXT THEREBY RUINING MY ALLUSIONS when I use them sometimes. UGH.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

2009-08-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

I told myself this every time the father of my child broke my heart. I told myself this when I went home and didn't hear from him about his son. I told myself this over and over again and believed it when someone else came along and picked us up. I believed that I was finally a treasure to someone. I believed that my son and I would be treasured and valued and treated well... and we were. But, the person who seemingly gave us this value is leaving. And I've been wrecked over it.

I found myself thinking, "One man's trash is also another man's trash."

And.

I.

Got.

Angry.

I try so very hard not to be angry. I try so hard to just pull the plug on such emotion because it's destructive and not productive. When I do lose my temper, I do my best to channel it into other areas. I can clean a lot of things, get really organized, and run/ bike really far when I am angry. I don't want to let it out in any way but controlled. My mother and her father both had major anger issues with abusive physical expression. It was terrifying. When I was a child, growing up with those examples, you can imagine how I reacted to things... as I've grown, I've broken down almost all of that. Over the last year, I have thrown things at other things, I cleared a table of debris very expediently by tossing everything onto the floor, and I have harmed myself, but I have also walked away from someone whose face I wanted to beat in so badly that I was literally shaking. I have walked away from so many fights and escalations this year. Honestly, I know I'm a far cry from perfect, but I know that I'm better than I was when I was younger. I'm glad that James is getting this Holly and not the girl I was even 5 years ago.

Anyway, it's not anger at the guy. Honestly, when he said, "There was no way to know how hard this whole thing would be until we tried it," he was right. I tried to warn him about it, but even I didn't know how hard it would really be. We're both good people. I know I made a good faith effort. I appreciate everything he's done for James and me. He says it's over now, and if that's really the case, then I need the ending of that to be clean and clear. We can try being friends later but I've had enough muddy waters surrounding the beginnings or endings of my various relationships. That's how I have James and while I certainly wouldn't put him back, he's enough children for me.

I am angry that I let myself believe that my value, that James' and my value together, needed validation by a man. That we were only treasure if someone else said we were. Well, pardon me, but FUCK THAT. Sometimes I amaze myself with my gross idiocy.

I'm angry that I often feel like a bad mother because James' father hates me. I'm angry that I feel that because I can't fix things with him, or figure out how we can get along, that that has any reflection on my relationship with my son or on his future success in this world.

I'm angry that I didn't listen to myself before jumping into a new relationship I wasn't ready for because I wanted so badly to have a family environment for James, to have love for myself, to share this experience with someone who wanted to be here with me, I wanted so much... but it wasn't what we needed. What we needed was more time to work things out on our own, just James and me. What I did was weak. It's not a mistake I'll make again.

I don't know how to balance personal fulfillment with taking care of my son's needs yet, but I'll learn. This isn't the time for a new relationship. This is the time for me to buckle in and get our life figured out. Yes, it would be nice to have been rescued for real, but I can do this on my own too. The world doesn't need a superman and neither do I.

2009-08-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

I love being James' Mommy. I love being the first person he sees in the morning and the last person he sees at night. I love feeding him, changing him (even when it's disgusting), I love washing him and clothing him. I love listening to him make all kinds of sounds. I love watching him inch and scoot around and try to sit up. I love kissing his hands and feet and face. I love tickling him. I love the look of surprise on his face when we play peekaboo. I love that he lights up when he sees me and that he quiets down if he's fussing and I pick him up. I love that he's so bright. I know what it means to say that someone is the light of your life now. He is everything to me.

What I don't love is all the stress about money and where to live and insurance and going back to/ being at work (even though I like my job and coworkers). I don't love being James' chauffeur to and from his father's house. I don't love having to make sure that both my house and his father's house are safe for him. I don't love staying up nights worrying about our future.

Being a mom is really hard. It's vastly harder than I thought it would be, and believe me, with my imagination being as good as it is, I knew it would be very hard. I just didn't count on being so tired, or on getting sick from being tired. I have to take better care of myself because I'm James' main support. I think I might be his everything, too. I know he knows that there are other people out there, but I'm the main person he knows. I'm his best friend in this world and I think he knows I love him more than and differently from anyone else.

It's fascinating to me to watch him figuring out that we aren't the same person. It takes a baby a little while to realize this, but he's figuring out that my hands aren't his (although I let him play with and chew on my hands). He's figuring out that he's his own little man and that sometimes, it'll take a little while for me to come get him, but that I will come. He's started doing this thing when he first wakes up where he starts "talking" and gets louder gradually until I answer him or come see him. It's really cute, sort of like this: mmmmmrrrrrrrmmmmglllllrrrrrr... ... AhhhglalGALAgala orrrrmmmmuguhlugulug... ... AHGLaaahhrrrruuuhhhhLRRRRRLLLLRRRRRRRUH... ... AAAHHHGAGAGALLLLLAAAHHHHRRRROOOOOOMMMMM (By this point I'm usually right on top of him picking him up out of the crib and he's all smiles because he knows he's got me.) He doesn't even hardly cry when he wakes up now because he knows I will be there.

I never knew I could feel like this. It's both the best and scariest thing in the world to have so much trust and faith placed in me.

Trying to find a better way.

2009-08-08T19:12:00.000-07:00

The father of my child sent me the most perfect article ever the other day about how much people spend on raising their children to 18: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090804/ap_on_re_us/us_fea_parenting_cost Despite my insistence that this has to be possible because somehow people do this who are less smart and talented than me (of course, many who are smarter and better than me too)... it just is so daunting at times. I'm glad that James' father is paying for daycare. That's a huge burden off me, but it's not enough. There are diapers and clothes, and all kinds of other things to buy, there's laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, breastfeeding, there are all kinds of things that I do for my child and time spent, that don't have a price-tag on them.

My current job is a good one for a single girl. It's secure, stable, has good benefits, and I've been there long enough that I get longevity pay. But, it's not nearly enough to support myself and a child. Adding James to my insurance policy subtracted over $300/month from my paycheck. I was barely breaking even before having him while paying $550/month in rent with all bills paid as a roommate in a house. Right now, we're in an efficiency and I'm paying the rent on it, but not all the bills, and the rent goes up by $200/month in November, so I'll have to find a new place. A new place means deposits. I also eventually need to get James his own room. That would mean at least a one bedroom place versus an efficiency. I think about all of this financial burden, and I start shaking. I don't even own a TV anymore, my toaster oven got broken during the moving (about 4 times in the last year), and my computer is a franken-machine with its cooling fan on the outside. I have about a year left of payments on my car before that's all wrapped up. My credit cards will take a bit longer since I'm just paying the minimums right now, but I've got them both at really low interest rates. I've got student loans, consolidated, and at a really low rate. I've done about all the trimming I can do in those arenas. I'm going to see if there's a way to trim my cellphone plan. I've also been considering finding a new home for my two much beloved cats. I just don't know where else I can save money. Really, the only way to do better here is to make more money somehow.

I tried to pick up a second job, but I'm not doing well with it. My time and attention have gotten hijacked.

I've been looking for other opportunities within the University, but there's not a whole lot right now that pays better that I feel confident about going after. I've been racking my brain, trying to think about what I'd be good at and what I want to invest in (other than James). For a while, a few years ago, I thought maybe being a teacher would do it for me, so I did an online "get your certificate" bootcamp sort of thing, took the tests, aced the shit out of the tests (I am a good test taker), and got a conditional teaching certificate. If I'd gotten a teaching job and survived it for a year, I would've been a fully accredited teacher. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong certification: middle school, and basically got laughed out of the job fairs I attended. "You haven't been around this age of kids since you were in junior high? You haven't been in a classroom as a teacher ever? HA HA HAHA... oh um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to discourage you... Follow your... ah ha heh hum, follow your dreams and all, right?" followed by more snickering and looks of disbelief. Anyway, that sort of reaction, in company with the nightmares I started having about being in front of a room of 30 evil pranksters (which was fueled by stories from some of my brilliant friends who used to be holy terrors) and I decided that that probably wasn't the best career move for me right then. I think that maybe if I re-certified, but for the little kids (EC-4), instead of the middle school age range, I'd probably do alot better with it. It'd be nice having summers off to be with James. Teachers don't get paid all that much more than I am getting now and their jobs are alot harder too, but those weeks off really help even it up. I could get a part-time second job during the summers maybe, or I could keep James home from daycare and save some money that way.

Other ideas I've had are: write some children's books and find someone to illustrate them. It can't be that hard to get things published. I've seen some pretty lame kid's books since I've been looking at things for James. I don't think I'd be the next Dr. Seuss or anything, but I can rock a rhyme, I love to write, and I'm pretty sure I can come up with likable characters and a formula that would sell. I just need time to devote to it. I need time to actually think an idea through.

Two days ago, James and I almost got killed by some douche in a little red pickup truck that decided to abruptly make a right turn from the lefthand lane and cut us off. I had to slam on my brakes, the ABS came on, and we narrowly missed him as I honked wildly and screamed. The guy didn't even look. I didn't have time to think about it really or tell anyone about it. James and I made it home, and I put him to bed. Then I had a brief conversation with the guy I've been dating (since the father of my child told me he hated me shortly after I gave birth to our son) and he reiterated that he's most likely going away permanently in the near future, but that he really likes me and James alot, and I lost it. The accident I avoided was forgotten in the wake of the impending shit storm in my future and my doubts about my abilities to provide for my child or maintain an adult relationship. I left the room and called my mother. She tries to be encouraging, but after telling me I should look into welfare (which is one of the worst things I can think of doing) and telling me that it can't be that hard to raise a child alone because she did it [even though she didn't work and her husband was in the Navy and definitely coming home, and definitely loved her], her main solution to most of my problems is to offer to take James... and that would be worse than slowly starving myself to death I think.

I've also thought about going back to school. I'm smart enough to do pretty much anything I want, it's more a matter of time, finances, and commitment. Being able to afford to take care of James and myself while I'm in school would be a major difficulty. I'm already running myself ragged with just a job and a baby. Adding school into the mix might make my head explode. However, I've got two different ideas on what to do if I were to go back. One idea is nursing. There's a program I heard about where you can get certified as an RN in a year if you already have a Bachelor's degree and you meet the prereq's (of which there are about 30 hours, so that would take me a little while). ( http://www.utexas.edu/nursing/html/academics/ae_msn.html ) I don't want to deal with people dying, but I think I could do preventative maintenance or women's health sorts of things without too much problem. It would take me about a year to do the prereq's if I took 3 classes per semester for three semesters, then a year of full-time intense school to get my RN certification, then I'd work for 2 years and end up with a Master's of Science in Nursing. If I were careful with my money, I might be able to pay for school while I was working. I also think I could probably get some grants or scholarships as a single mother.

The other idea for going back to school would be law school. I've heard that probate law, things like wills and estate settling and whatnot, will be big in the future. So, if I got into it now, it'd probably be a good time. That would (optimistically) take me about a year to get in somewhere and then about three years of school and extensive loans most likely.

Basically, to be honest at this point, going back to school is a pipe-dream. It'll take too long to see results and I need something faster to keep James and I off the streets. When he's a little older, like when he's in elementary school, so we're not paying for daycare, school will be easier for me to get into/ afford.

My parents have again offered to let me move home. If the relationship is over with the guy (who, at the beginning of everything I thought could be The Guy, because he was such a superhero... I even told people he inspired me... and I've never really said that about ANYONE), since the father of my child "hates" me, and acts nonchalant/ unconcerned when I tell him about my dire financial straits and that James and I might need to move away... and up until very recently has been referring to the times when he sees James as "babysitting", rather than "time I get to spend with my child" or anything even remotely positive-sounding... since I won't be able to afford even the amount of rent I've been paying and keep food on the table or gas in the car, or creditors off my back for long... maybe it would be the best thing.

Somehow people do this. Somehow they do this single mother thing. I don't know how. Honestly, I have no idea. This is probably the lowest I've been in my life. I want my son to have the best. The best father, the best supplemental father (s), the best family, the best things, the best mother, the best life, and right now I'm FAILing in all those regards. For him, I smile and I laugh, and I talk to him and tickle him, and keep him fed and in clean clothes and diapers, soothed, and supplied with toys, even when he throws them on the floor twenty times and I have to wash them. For James, I make myself keep going. I read to him. I sing to him. I fly him through the air and rock him and bounce him and put him to bed. I take naps with him when I can. For James, I'm doing whatever he needs.

I wanted to come back to Austin because it was "my home"... because I love the music, the culture, the food, the people, the potential... but I can't DO any of that stuff now. I can't go to shows. I can't go out to eat. I can't afford a babysitter. My child's father for the most part treats dealing with me and his son like a chore unless someone else is watching... and I can't blame him. He didn't want this. He didn't want us. You can't make someone into something they aren't. You can't make someone feel something they don't. I can't keep the superhero guy around because he's got other fires to put out and I won't stop someone from pursuing something they believe will finally make them happy. I wanted to help him. Hell, I wanted to go with him. But when you love someone or something, you've got to let it go sometimes. Love means that you want what's best for the object of your love. It means that you want them to be happy. I wanted my child, the father of my child, and the guy I was with to all be happy, and I had two of the three done, but that left the guy I was with... and ME out... there just isn't enough of me to go around.

The instant-family isn't for everyone. Especially with ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, and the estranged father in the picture because things aren't settled about his role with his son yet. There's just too much talking about things, time being spent thinking about things, crying, fighting with other people, fighting for your relationship, trying to stay afloat, and whatnot. It's just too much. Even married couples have a horrible time right at first with a newborn and they start off fully committed and usually without any other adults causing trouble except by being overly "helpful" or instructive or intrusive.

I think I need to let go. Definitely of the idea of having a partner, I mean, honestly, right now, what do I have to offer? A lot of hard work and long hours, a brilliant, beautiful, happy baby, with lots of diapers to be changed, drool to be wiped, laundry to do, bottles to be washed, he hasn't even started teething yet, and a stressed out mother who really needs to sleep more, but can't because there's too much to do even to stay up with a normal mom level and not even a super-mom level. Maybe I need to let go of the idea of Austin for a while, too. I'd have more help with my parents in the picture. I might even start getting better sleep and stop crying so much.

I don't know what's best for right now. I've been looking for answers, but there just really aren't any but time. I know that things will eventually get better as I come up with better solutions, more efficient ways of doing things, and hopefully some way to make more money, but right now, things just seem really dark to me.

An assortment of weekend happenings...

2009-07-31T09:12:00.000-07:00

This is by no means an exhaustive list as there are hundreds of things to do in Austin on any given day. These are just a few of the things that stuck out for me. :)

Friday Night:

All Austin All Handmade Bash at the Beauty Bar (support your local artisans): http://bit.ly/fjmFW

Miracle Berry Flavor Trip at The Belmont (for a good cause): http://bit.ly/1E7Wq

Peel's Farewell Show w/ {{{Sunset}}} at Baby Blue studio (support local music for cheap): http://bit.ly/CskHC

Buttercup/Deathray Davies and more play at The Mohawk (cd release party, support TX musicians): http://bit.ly/10MGhO

Saturday:

Cupcake Smackdown (family/dog friendly plus yummy!) at One 2 One: http://bit.ly/67Yx5

Room 710's Final Weekend with Pong and Foot Patrol @Room 710 (say goodbye to a great venue, they're having shows every night, but the Saturday one is the one I'd go to): http://bit.ly/Z6pXv

The MJ vs Prince Raspberry Criminal Party at The Scoot Inn (costume contest, great djs, custom clothing onsite, etc.): http://bit.ly/rsAdJ

The Steps / Southside Sanctuary cd release party at Stubb's (local music and local graphic designers): http://bit.ly/2xWZz4

De La Soul at Emo's (do you really need a reason?): http://bit.ly/18sXi7

Sunday:

Free Austin Symphony at the Hartman Concert Park (a family friendly way to get cultural): http://bit.ly/RVPks

The Gadabout

2009-07-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

gad·a·bout

(gād'ə-bout')
n. One who roams or roves about, as in search of amusement or social activity.

See also: Synonyms of gadabout

Ugh... so apparently on Jeopardy the other day, which, along with Tyra and Judge Judy, is what people who are unemployed or stuck in their homes either without "the good tv" (i.e. cable or satellite) or much to do seem to watch, there was a person in a sparkly ascot who was introduced as a self-proclaimed gadabout. This, of all things, inspired my child's (unemployed since January for an indefinite amount of time by choice rather than lack of opportunity), father in some way. "That guy's kinda funny," was the explanation. I really don't understand this, so I'm going to say that it's probably a guy thing. Sorry guys that don't get it either, I'm blaming the Y-why-why- why- wh- wh- wh- why-Chromosome (imagine me singing into a vocoder to the tune of Jaime Foxx's "Blame it (on the alcohol)" song) for this one.

I found a link to the self-proclaimed gadabout... http://gawker.com/5325119/meet-john-munson-self+proclaimed-gadabout After reading that and seeing the clips and whatnot, from here on out, I think the term gadabout should be used to describe hipster-douchebags. My friend Leigh and I had a brief talk about hipster-douchebags on twitter the other day.

What I posted: Aren't these two groups sort of the same definitionally? :-P from @ultra8201 : Hipsters meet douchebags, douchebags. Hipsters. Mingle....

Leigh replied: @astar_alone I always thought of a hipster as more of a "fashion" person going for a certain kind of a look, certain labels. A douchebag is... basically a guido outside of new jersey...and they don't have to necessarily be orange-skinned... so in a nutshell, hipster for "fashion" and douchebag for personality. hence a hipster douchebag in single or combo... or you can have the ultimate scenester hipster douchebag, whom of which should be avoided at all costs

My reply: @schatze78 - Based on your explanation, I'm imagining a Venn diagram: american apparel -hipsdouchesterbag- abercrombie w/circles and colors.

Here's where I tried to draw the diagram I was talking about, but with "gadabout" as the designation for the overlap:

Click for Diagram

Probably if I slept more and didn't live in an efficiency apartment with a four month old, or if I had faith that someone would magically show up to bail us out, I'd want to be a gadabout (at least so far as the pursuing fun with no consequences sort of idea/definition goes) too, but I still don't think I would've ever, even at my most hedonistic, embraced it as one of my labels because I'm a process person. I don't like labels because I know I'm going to change and outgrow most of them in short order. I wonder if there isn't a point in everyone's life where you just want... if not something else, at least MORE? If there's a point where the parties and the drinking and the hangovers get old? What does a self-proclaimed gadabout grow into? Where do you go from hipster? What's the next step in the evolution of your life?

Of course, I guess I should say that, as with greatness, some are born with a label while others have it thrust upon them. Like me with the whole Mommy thing. That's my label now. I wasn't born a Mommy... and I'm still more than just a mom. I'm not too worried about labeling what else I am right now... but gadabout is certainly NOT any part of it. <3

Trainspotting and whatnot

2009-07-27T14:36:00.001-07:00

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

RENTON: I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin?

This movie is one of the first things I saw in the theater when I got to college. My parents kept us from seeing Rated R movies in the house until after I was 17. Trainspotting was far and away the most liberating, horrible, and changing thing I'd seen up to that point. I'd never seen anything about drugs other than Health class films. I'd never known anyone in a club scene. It was sort of a crash course in a whole other world. I even read the book. (The glossary was a huge help since it's written in dialect.) I chose to read this book and watch this movie. I chose to bail on the goody two shoes life and be someone radically different in college... and not having the tools to deal with that choice, I got crushed like a bug by people who take advantage of people who are anxious to lose their innocence. I tried on a hundred different suits and I survived it but that's not the point here.

I didn't choose a regular life with the washers and dryers and game shows and all of that because I wanted to know more than that, because I wanted to experience other things. I still haven't chosen whatever life that is because I still want something more than that. I don't look down on the people who have all that, it's a nice life if you can swing it, and who knows? Maybe one of these days I'll turn into someone who wants that stuff, but for now, I mainly just want enough to get by and maintain my artistic integrity. I will never sell my soul for a job just to get THINGS... but I'm starting to feel the pull to get things for my son. It's weird, I want him to have EVERYTHING, but I don't want him to be spoiled. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out in the future.

History and its place.

2009-07-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow makes it a year since I found out I was pregnant officially. I'm one of those people who, once I've discovered something interesting or out of the ordinary, starts noticing every little thing about it and I'd noticed alot of strange things happening to my body. I thought that I'd hit my head too hard while playing soccer and had finally shaken something loose in there because I was clumsier than I'd been since Junior high and kept getting dizzy and had other issues. (Eight concussions including a very severe one my senior year of highschool made me a little paranoid about aneurysms and damage and whatnot.) Turns out, it wasn't that at all. Turns out that I wasn't brain damaged, and that I wasn't finally losing it. Turns out that yes, my world HAD shifted and I was unbalanced because my center of gravity had completely changed both physically and in every other possible way.

Science has come so far that once I went to the doctor we were able to track back to the very day James was conceived. But before that, sitting at home 20 days after the fact, holding my breath, it took mere seconds for the official word in black digital on the pregnancy test to abruptly appear: Pregnant

I forgot to breathe for a little while right then and every possibility ran itself through my head from abortion to adoption, from running away and not telling anyone to killing myself, I had to sit down for a while. I wanted a cigarette more than anything in the world, but when I went and found my pack, all I could do was look at it, crush it in my hands, and throw it away. At that moment, basically the choice was made, but there was a great deal of agonizing over it after, of course. From that day through the present and for the rest of my life though, my center of gravity is my baby. James. My world revolves around him.

I've been keeping notes on my facebook page. I've been debating over transferring them here or just leaving them there and starting over.

It's hard when your whole life has been turned upside down and inside out not to grab at the familiar. Not to hold onto what was. New things are scary. New routines, new people, new selves. I'm not ever going to be the same girl I was a year ago. I'm still trying to figure out what sort of girl I am. Or woman really. I think that maybe one of the hardest parts of all of this right now is that girlhood really is over.

James isn't hard to care for. It's easy to take care of this baby. He's happy and healthy and active and wonderful. It's the rest of things that are hard. Taking care of me. Taking care of the bills, the chores, being back at work. All of that is hard. Trying to figure out how to interact with James' father without crying about it (the loss of one of my best friends, the fact that his life is basically the same and mine absolutely isn't, the fact that all of our friends still go out with him alot and I haven't even seen hardly any of them). Trying to figure out how to keep my friendships together, how to make new mommy friends, how to maintain a new relationship with a new guy, or how to let him go and just be grateful for the time he's been here helping me if that's what he wants.

What's hard is figuring out how to organize everything so that it fits. Knowing what to leave behind and what to keep. Maintaining order for my child when I've always been a sort of disordered person. Trying to cut out all the drama I used to have swirling around me. Drama is for the bored. I don't think I'll have time to be bored again. It's alot easier to let things go when you don't have time to think about them. Of course, when I do have time, everything sort of just crashes right on in and I have to deal with it in a big pile all at once instead of having little bits on a regular basis. I've found that I cry harder, but for shorter periods of time than I did before.

Anyway, I'm not complaining, or well, maybe I am, but I don't think I'm the only one among the mothers who has these thoughts.

I'm not going to cheese this blog up with fluffy platitudes or pretend I'm an uber-mom or that a gentle series of rainbows and stars came out of my uterus in the delivery room and were handed to me with my perfectly clean child. This isn't the movies. The reality of right now is that I love my child with all my heart, I would seriously harm anyone who ever harmed him, and I love to play with him, watch him learn and grow, but some days, his smile and the promise of others in our future together, is basically the only thing standing between me and taking a dive off a really tall condo building. :)

To get back to the real point of this. History and its place. I think I might repost some of the blogs I wrote a while back here and there, just to have some of the background here, but for the most part, I just want to move forward. I'm not that girl anymore. That's not my life anymore. I am a mom. My life is something else.

20 questions about motherhood...

2009-07-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

1. How old were you when your first child was born?
30

2. What month and year was your youngest child born?
April 2009

3. How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant?
Horrified

4. Who did you tell first?
My sister.

5. How many pounds did you gain during your first pregnancy?
~40

6. What did you crave while you were pregnant?
Tacos, chicken wings, creme brulee, coke classic, macaroni and cheese, hamburgers, steak, odwalla super food (the green one), seaweed salad, chocolate pudding, human touch

7. Did you find out the gender of your first child? Why or why not?
Yes. I needed to be able to at least try to plan and it helped me feel more connected and less scared of him.

8. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy?
I had Costochondritis and Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy

9. How much did your first child weigh?
8lbs 1 oz.

10. Was your first child early, late, or on time?
Exactly on time, practically to the hour. 8:40am.

11. What is the most difficult challenge or health issue that any of your children have faced?
So far, James is pretty much the healthiest and happiest kid I know about.

12. What's your favorite part of being a mom?
"Talking" with James. Seeing his face light up when he sees me.

13. Do you think it's easier to be a mom or a dad?
If you're a single mother like I am it looks a whole lot easier to be the dad.

14. What is the best piece of advice you could give to someone who is about to have their first child?
It's okay to be confused and to love so much you hurt. It's okay to not know who you are at first because you really won't recognize yourself in the mirror for a while. Get as much sleep as you can, take good care of yourself, and plan before the baby gets here because once the baby's here, there's just no time.

15. Did you always think you'd have kids?
Certainly not.

16. What's been the biggest surprise about motherhood?
When you think there's nothing left, but then there is. I had no idea I could do this or how, but somehow I just am. I can always find the energy somewhere to play with and take care of James even if I haven't slept in days.

17. Are there things you miss about life before kids?
I miss going out. I miss spontaneity. I miss the days when I spent hours trying to figure out what parties or shows I was going to every week. I miss sleeping.

18. How many children do you have?
One

19. Do you plan to have any more children?
No, but I didn't plan to have James until after he was already on his way. I think that every child needs a sibling, so there's a distinct possibility that I'll have another at some point.

20. Who's the mom that you admire most?
Yo mama. :P

What's in a name?

2009-07-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

I was never a hipster, but I went to hipster parties and shows, drank hipster beer, and I wore hipster-lite clothes. I was into American Apparel before alot of people. I was one of the first to buy a shirt from Threadless. I like bands that no one's ever heard of. I've totally made fun of people for their lack of taste in music or for not knowing who the "coolest band ever" was... even though that title was awarded to different new bands at random and often. I guess maybe I fit the hipster definition pretty well, even down to the denial part. What can you do?

Anyway, my life changed pretty dramatically when I discovered that I was pregnant, and even more so now that I have a delightful baby boy, but I still love the music and spreading the word about the next big thing. I love the fashion. I still love the feeling of finding out about a cool party and RSVPing and getting on the list. I love telling people about the cool stuff going on, especially the cool free stuff since some of us are working for two now.

This blog is going to be a mix of everything: from my thoughts and feelings on life and my kid and whatnot, to what I love musically, and cool things I find to do or get.

Here's what the Urban Dictionary says about Momsters. But I like the idea that maybe it's a hipster who grew up a little bit and became a mom. <3