He brought me joy, quiet moments of fluttering, sturdy kicks that made me dream of my boy kicking a ball in a yard. In the darkest hours of that pregnancy, my son was my lifeline. I was so depressed and alone, the only thing that I could cling to was the hope and promise that he represented to me. I dreamed of him growing into a beautiful strong intelligent and good man. I still dream of the man he will be even as he is my little boy. He is funnier than I ever dreamed he would be and he is constantly surprising me with his multitude of talents and the depth of his feelings and thoughts.
I learned a lot about my body during the pregnancy. I learned a lot about genetics.
The labor and delivery went about as well as could be expected. Thirteen hours of labor, resulting in a perfect beautiful baby boy.
I was told that the problems I had during the pregnancy with James would be worse in any subsequent pregnancies and that it would effect any baby I tried to conceive, possibly even causing miscarriage or stillbirth.
I have two sisters. We have not always gotten along, but I wouldn't trade having them for being an only child. I dreamed that James would have a younger sibling, but the doctors scared me, and my body scared me.
Last year I had a surprise surgery and learned afterward, that I could ameliorate some of the difficulty with another pregnancy through another surgery.
I knew that I wanted James, but not until after he was already a fact, and then nothing in the world could change my mind about him.
I know that I want another baby. Even though I'm afraid of being older, and I worry about how James will react. I worry about the work and the time and the money involved. I also worry about being abandoned again while pregnant, but I know that my partner truly loves me and isn't afraid.
I put off the surgery because I was afraid, partially because no one enjoys going under the knife, partially because I knew and know the recovery will be hard, and partially because it's one of the last things standing between me and another baby.
I know that whatever happens, I will survive and I will not let my family fail or fall. If another baby is meant to be, I will welcome it. If not, that will also be okay. James is enough.
What I have to do now is focus on recovering and getting well and healthy. We have time.