Friday, December 25, 2009

"...make a little room for a man to hide...

...peaches are nature's candy in a can or cake or pie..."

I don't know why those lyrics are in my head right now... I guess I keep thinking I need a place, somewhere, to make a little room for my heart to hide.

It's strange.

My heart is wrapped around this little person, this little boy who does not know what it is I feel for him and cannot comprehend it yet, and may never. The love of a mother is something that I don't think anyone who is not a mother can understand. I certainly never expected to feel this way. It's the most painfully intense and wonderful feeling I've ever felt.

Always love for me has been mixed with pain. I do not know pure emotions. Everything is mixed: anger and relief, love and pain, joy and regret, trust laced with doubt. My heart is a mixologist, a bartender like no other.

I am so very very happy for you (and so devastated for me).

This is how I can do what is right, even if it is not best for me. This is how I can do what's best for you even if it is not right for me. This, being able to hold two full emotions in balance in my heart, this is how I survive.

It's our first Christmas together, James and me. It's our first winter holiday as a family. And there's a hole where... where someone else should be, but isn't... and I'm doing my best to make sure he doesn't feel the wind whistling through that gap, and this year, he won't, but I can't guarantee that next year or the year after or beyond.

He says "Mama" now. My son, he says it and it means me. My son has a name to call me by. Maybe this is all I really need right now. My body aches to be held, and my soul is calling out into the void, but maybe all I need is to just be a good mother. Maybe if I am that, if I put everything I am and have into that, the rest will fall away... or better, fall into place.

This is Christmas, the winter holidays, the end of the year, the end of a decade, of an era. I hope that the next decade brings me better luck than this past one.

Who am I going to be this next ten years? Who do I want to be? At the end of it, what will I have to show for myself?

I've been sleeping so little over the last many months that I've mostly stopped dreaming. I usually have vivid dreams but they're gone right now. I need them back. I feel like a partial person without them. In another sense, I don't want to defer my dreams until, like a raisin in the sun, they burst. I need to find my dreams again.

What are your dreams?

I want to weld wings made of scrap metal, car doors and such, and attach them to a building. That's the last giant dream I had.

Smaller dreams I've had were of becoming a nurse so that I can move my son and I out of our unfortunate apartment into a house with a yard.

A dream of coming home to someone. Of curling up on the couch next to someone wrapped in their arms, tangled up in their embrace, of being come home to. Of laughing about my child with them, of having someone to hold onto when his pain is too much for just me to carry. I had that one also.

A medium sized dream was of writing books, some for my son, a novel for me.

Everyone has dreams. We have to hold on to them and not let go, no matter how the wind changes or blows. Sometimes, I feel like my grip is loosening on them. That I will let them fall and shatter, but I can't because so much depends on them and on me.

I've been sick for a few days and I feel foggy now from cold medicine, but hopefully this will make sense to you. I'm going to go lie back down.

At the end, the most important thing isn't a dream. It's Love. Always love. Without that, a dream is worthless.