Wednesday, August 12, 2009

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

I told myself this every time the father of my child broke my heart. I told myself this when I went home and didn't hear from him about his son. I told myself this over and over again and believed it when someone else came along and picked us up. I believed that I was finally a treasure to someone. I believed that my son and I would be treasured and valued and treated well... and we were. But, the person who seemingly gave us this value is leaving. And I've been wrecked over it.

I found myself thinking, "One man's trash is also another man's trash."

And.

I.

Got.

Angry.

I try so very hard not to be angry. I try so hard to just pull the plug on such emotion because it's destructive and not productive. When I do lose my temper, I do my best to channel it into other areas. I can clean a lot of things, get really organized, and run/ bike really far when I am angry. I don't want to let it out in any way but controlled. My mother and her father both had major anger issues with abusive physical expression. It was terrifying. When I was a child, growing up with those examples, you can imagine how I reacted to things... as I've grown, I've broken down almost all of that. Over the last year, I have thrown things at other things, I cleared a table of debris very expediently by tossing everything onto the floor, and I have harmed myself, but I have also walked away from someone whose face I wanted to beat in so badly that I was literally shaking. I have walked away from so many fights and escalations this year. Honestly, I know I'm a far cry from perfect, but I know that I'm better than I was when I was younger. I'm glad that James is getting this Holly and not the girl I was even 5 years ago.

Anyway, it's not anger at the guy. Honestly, when he said, "There was no way to know how hard this whole thing would be until we tried it," he was right. I tried to warn him about it, but even I didn't know how hard it would really be. We're both good people. I know I made a good faith effort. I appreciate everything he's done for James and me. He says it's over now, and if that's really the case, then I need the ending of that to be clean and clear. We can try being friends later but I've had enough muddy waters surrounding the beginnings or endings of my various relationships. That's how I have James and while I certainly wouldn't put him back, he's enough children for me.

I am angry that I let myself believe that my value, that James' and my value together, needed validation by a man. That we were only treasure if someone else said we were. Well, pardon me, but FUCK THAT. Sometimes I amaze myself with my gross idiocy.

I'm angry that I often feel like a bad mother because James' father hates me. I'm angry that I feel that because I can't fix things with him, or figure out how we can get along, that that has any reflection on my relationship with my son or on his future success in this world.

I'm angry that I didn't listen to myself before jumping into a new relationship I wasn't ready for because I wanted so badly to have a family environment for James, to have love for myself, to share this experience with someone who wanted to be here with me, I wanted so much... but it wasn't what we needed. What we needed was more time to work things out on our own, just James and me. What I did was weak. It's not a mistake I'll make again.

I don't know how to balance personal fulfillment with taking care of my son's needs yet, but I'll learn. This isn't the time for a new relationship. This is the time for me to buckle in and get our life figured out. Yes, it would be nice to have been rescued for real, but I can do this on my own too. The world doesn't need a superman and neither do I.

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