Dr. Strangemom Or...

How I Stopped Fighting and Learned to Love being a Mom

The first few days after my son was born were some of the hardest days I've ever lived through. I say that and I know that I had it easy compared to many women who don't have access to proper medical care and who don't have family willing to take them in and protect them. Sometime, I'll write the story of the day my milk came in, and some of the other things that were just mind-blowing to me, and that no matter how many books I read, I was still totally unprepared for. This is not the day for those stories.

Today is a story of how I came to fully choose motherhood.

There's a saying that a woman becomes a mother when she realizes she's pregnant. This is somewhat true. All my instincts turned on, certainly hormones are an amazing thing, and it's actually a little frightening how much of your animal nature comes to the fore-front when you're pregnant, giving birth, and first beginning to nurture the life you've brought forth, but the mind... it dragged behind.

There's a detour I could take here and maybe I'll write it out another time, but for now let's suffice it to say that I had a lot of grieving to do even as I began to celebrate the immense, gloriously exhausting, wonder, that bringing forth a new life to the world is. I read a lot of books, I read a lot of sites... I was still unprepared for just how different my life is now. My friends have all tried to give me days or nights off occasionally, and that's been great. But finally, I just accepted that I wasn't going to go out or make it to the show or whatever, and I mostly stopped looking at the sites and things that were the trappings of my old life. I gave up searching out, caring about really, the whole buffet of ways to use up one's free-time when you're a carefree adult-child. These things have almost stopped having meaning for me and some time back I really started enjoying my quiet little home life.

I recently read this article called Isn't having a baby SUPPOSED to cramp your style? and found it refreshing. Even some of us modern people, even some of the people I could probably have been counted among, my peers who are now having children, even some of them, are realizing that it is good, great perhaps, to cocoon, to nest with your child, to focus and draw in and take the time to really be a parent. It might just be important to let the world pass on without you for a while and then join back in a little at a time, when it does not draw you away from your calling as a parent. But, don't fake it. Children know when you're faking things. They're wiser than you know. They're so much more observant than we adults are... because it's all still new to them so everything is interesting.

I read this article the other day: Motherhood is a calling. Although I don't agree with it in full (the religious bent of it galls me), the author is a mother (we have something in common), and one of the better sections of it says: "Children know the difference between a mother who is saving face to a stranger and a mother who defends their life and their worth with her smile, her love, and her absolute loyalty." I am nothing without my son. The day begins and ends with him in my heart and mind, and life is good because he is in my life.

I am a mother, I work at a start-up, and I'm the only adult in our home the vast majority of the time. I love being who I am and doing what I do. Occasionally, my varying roles interfere with each other and I must choose. I choose my son first, the housework last. This is the way it must be.

It took a while to reconcile my old life and my new, to be at peace with the person I am, but it happened, over the long nights sitting up while my son slept in our room, over the thousands of diapers, spit ups, food fights, baths and meals, over the hundreds of compromises and losses and acceptances, the thousands of choices, and the retellings of old stories to renew my mind and change the feelings they bring up. Somewhere during all of that, I stopped caring about the world passing me by and I started enjoying the world where I am and the journey I'm on.

I'm not just a girl anymore. I am Mommy, Mom, Mother. Who would ever think that someone so small, could change anyone so profoundly?

I actually choose not to fill up all my time running from activity to activity anymore. It's a beautiful thing to have solitary downtime. I firmly believe that it will make me a better mother and a better person. Being lonely happens when solitude is forced upon you. Being alone, choosing to be alone, and being able to take pleasure in your own company, is a marvelous thing. I am still evolving, but I know who I love... and I know who I am and I'm happy about who I am becoming.

The Visitation Prayer

Note: I am not religious, but I was raised that way.

In times of duress, I sometimes long for the comfort that other people seem to be able to take from religion. Anyway, I was thinking of the Serenity Prayer the other day, turning it over and over in my mind, trying to make it applicable to myself (and anyone else in my situation) more fully and specifically. The most well-known version is as follows:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

but it just feels sort of trite and over-used.

Expanded visitation, (we've just gone abruptly to an expanded standard visitation) is new for us and difficult for me, and my son is having some small problems with it, too. I did want him to have more time with his father, and now he definitely has that, it just happened a lot more quickly than I was ready for and maybe more quickly than my son was ready for either... especially as there is no way to explain to a two year old such a dramatic scheduling change. (Prior to this we were only having one overnight every other week or so, with some shorter weekly visits.) I've tried to explain things to my son and he now seems to understand that Mondays have something to do with seeing me and Thursdays have something to do with seeing his dad, but that's about as good as it gets right now. I keep telling myself that it'll be good for everyone in the long run, but I have all these doubts and fears that maybe I'm not being as good a parent as I could be because I gave in to this too soon.

Anyway, it's not easy on me to be parted from my son so much/ for so long at once, so I came up with my own, loosely-based, version of the Serenity Prayer for myself. It goes something like this:

Dear Higher Powers:

Grant me the focus and the busyness to distract me from my child being away from me,

The serenity to trust that my co-parent means well, loves our kid, and would never purposefully hurt him.

And the strength to let go, breathe, laugh, and use this time to take care of myself for my child.

Please.

I'm pretty sure that the Visitation Prayer is applicable to any co-parent dealing with visitation.

Do you have a version of this for yourself to help you get through things?

Rustiness

So, it's been about a year since I last wrote.

When you're in a situation with the definite knowledge that anything you say (even good or nice things) can and will be held against you (not for any crime, mind you, merely for the sake of a bizarre sort of competition), sometimes, it's best not to say much of anything. I'm not going to talk about the people who put me in such a position. It's best if you can't say anything nice... once again, to not say anything at all.

I just wanted to make a post... freely... because I can breathe again.

I'm going to write about my son again. About life. About the changes a year can make. About work and joy and... RELIEF... because, it's what I feel.

Welcome back to my life. I can't wait to catch up with you, too. :)

words to live by

"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything but happy." ~~ Unknown

My son is the most amazing little guy in the world. He is everything to me.

I would do anything to keep him safe. I would give up anything so that he could have more. I would die for him if there were a choice between his life and mine. In the meantime, I live for him. He is why I am still here.

Evidence of brilliance:
We have a galley-style kitchen and I've put a baby gate in place so that he can't get into it. (There are too many dangers in the kitchen to let him wander free in there yet: knives, heavy things, hot things, electronics, chemicals, cat food, cat box, trashcans, etc. All the cabinets are baby-proofed just in case, but for the most part it's better if he's in the living room playing with his toys than underfoot while I'm trying to cook.) Yesterday I was cooking our dinner and he started bringing me clothes from the couch. (I had gotten all the laundry done late the night before but hadn't hung it up yet.) Normally, he brings me toys and balls, and things and throws them over the gate to me and I'll toss them back out of the kitchen for him. Since it was clothing, I didn't want it on the kitchen floor, so I looked at him and very seriously said, "James, I like that you're bringing me things, but those clothes don't need to be in here, could you take them back to the couch, please?" He toddled off with the clothes while I finished cooking and dishing up his dinner. After dinner, I got a clean towel for him off the couch and noticed that all the clothes he'd brought to me were back on the couch almost exactly where they'd come from. :)

Further evidence:
This morning, I was trying to get us out the door so I was sitting in our room putting my shoes on and he was playing near me so I said to him, "James, we need to get ready to go, it's time to put your shoes on, where are your shoes?" and he ran out of the room. I finished tying my shoes and started to get up to go after him when he reappeared with both of his shoes, came over to me, sat down, and handed them to me. :D

He doesn't say much yet, but he's such a smart little man.

I hug him every chance I get. I pick him up and fly him around (I know I won't be able to do it for too much longer). I kiss him. We snuggle. I read to him. We teach each other things. I tickle him, and he's learned to blow raspberries on me. We play together. I sing to him. We laugh. Our lives are full of love. Becoming James' mother cost me dearly, but it turns out that I've gained so much more than I lost... being his mother is seriously the best thing I've ever done and may be the best thing I ever do in this life. I don't want to waste a moment of the time I have with him.

Thank you for being a part of this with us.

<3

The things we have to give up... to keep the things that really matter.

"It takes enormous courage and belief to meet your destiny in life; you can see it so closely, and yet you still have to struggle toward it. Once you're aware of its existence, it's more a hard-fought objective than a preordained fact."
Sting


I had thought that I would be able to make all of the life-upgrades I was hoping to make this year. It would've been tight, but at the end of everything I would've been in no more debt than I currently am.

Things have changed.

I'm having to put off a lot of things so I can deal with an abrupt and profound budget short-fall on both the financial and time scales.

The important thing here is that everything will be okay in the long run even if it's not okay right now or for the next few months.

Things would've been easier during this time if my car hadn't just eaten up my savings, but it had to be fixed, and it should now run perfectly (or close to it) for the next 6-12 months. The savings being gone means no new furniture (beyond the table/chairs I picked up for really cheap on C-list). Luckily, I think James will be okay in his crib for a while longer.

I'm exploring options to try to earn more money through part-time jobs. I have two leads so far. I also have some jewelry that I made a while back that I can put on an Etsy site and I've finally got my workbench organized so that I can make more, which will be good until I run out of materials. Through these avenues, I should be able to make enough to keep the internet on in the apartment (which will be how I do one of the part-time jobs and how I keep the Etsy site updated) and to bring in a little to put towards our deficit.

I'm trying to find ways to lower our costs. I've already been clipping coupons and shopping on certain days to get good deals on food. I've got a Costco membership because buying in bulk is almost always cheaper in the long run than buying in other ways. It's just the up-front outlay that is problematic. I keep the AC turned up warm and have programmed it to be more efficient. I've learned to live without a lot of things. I'm learning to use up all of something before buying new. (This includes cutting tubes open and getting every last bit of toothpaste or whatever out.)

I think I've done as much budget trimming on my phone bill as I could, and my interest rates are as low as they can be with my credit cards. I called and redid my auto/renter's insurance stuff the other day and, though I wasn't able to get the amount lowered, am now getting much more service for the same price.

James and I have been eating breakfast out 1-2 times a week so that I can get him used to eating in public and to give me a break from cooking/ give us a way to socialize with others, but I'm prepared to give that up. I'm already cooking/ putting together all of our other meals, usually making 2 big batches of food each week with some smaller meals interspersed, then alternating leftovers through the week so we don't get bored and so we keep our nutrition up by eating diverse things. The only thing I won't cut is our (mostly) seasonal organic fruits/ veggies, but I'm thinking we may need to try the farmer's market approach rather than getting them at the grocery store. I need to do a closer cost-benefit analysis to determine if it's really a better way to do things or not. If anyone's already done that, let me know. :)

The cats are eating a cheaper food and less of it. (They're both a little overweight, so now they're eating only the daily recommended amount instead of what they'd like which is about a third more than that.) I'm not scrimping on their litter though... cheap litter is way more work, way more smell, and way worse for the environment.

I've got possessions I can try to sell. We're going to gear up for the next Mama Cents consignment sale. I was hoping to keep most of James' outgrown things for my sisters for whenever they get started on kids, but, as they say: "Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs.", and it could be years before they get around to it. I'll look through my clothes/shoes again to see if there's anything that any of the resale clothing shops in town would take. I have a few furniture items that might sell for a few dollars on C-list too. I guess I'll go back through my books again. I hate selling my books. I dream of one day having enough bookshelves to put them all out but at this rate, by the time I have the excess money for more bookshelves, I won't need them... and I guess that'll work out. :)

I'm putting off some medical work I need, and also some that I wanted. (Among other things, I was supposed to have a surgery in September.) I'm not going to die without having any of those things done so it'll be okay to wait a while longer on it. I've got things I can do that'll make things easier on me in the meantime. Maybe we'll be in a better position next year. :)

I'm also hoping that we get a scholarship at our current daycare, the application period starts next month and the discount would go into effect in September. It would help. Another couple of handfuls of sand in our bucket. The other thing that could happen that would be good is if we finally got into UT's daycare because it's slightly less expensive than our current daycare.

I'm keeping my class for the fall. It's already paid for and in the grand scheme of things it's not going to make a huge financial difference, but not taking it now would negatively effect us a lot by setting me back another year. Taking this class now and continuing with classes in the spring/ summer/ etc. is the only way I'll have the pre-reqs done in time to apply to the program I want to be in in 2012. I'm on a five year plan starting in August. When I get done, James and I will be able to have a much better life. The sooner we get to that day, the sooner I can stop fearing for our future so much.

I'm holding on to my ACL pass for now, but will probably end up selling it. The whole festival is sold out and that bodes well for at least getting my money back on it... but my sadness at the thought of missing it AGAIN... is pretty intense.

Anyway, that's where I am so far. I have faith that we'll be okay even if it's ugly for a while. I mostly feel good about what I've done and what I'm doing so far. It's a hard time, but we're moving forward. I just wish I could sleep better. :)

Listmaking

I've been busy over the last month. The bottom dropped out of a relationship I had high hopes for... and after I hit the ground pretty hard and lay there dazed and confused for a bit... I shook myself out, got back up, and got back to where I was heading before I got really distracted. Which is, as ever (despite occasional downfalls or detours): onward and upward.

Ways I've improved my life over the last few weeks:

Started reading to James every day again. We took a break for a little while because he just wasn't interested but that's changed and now he even brings me books and says, "B'uh! B'uh!"

Got internet at home.

Got an awesome friend's old laptop that she didn't need/ want anymore and started writing again.

Thoroughly cleaned and organized the apartment/ got things together for charity donation/ sale.

Have gotten my ACC admission status updated and am waiting for assessment test results so that I can register for class (the first of several pre-reqs for UT grad school).

Have talked to UT about their Alternative Entry Master's of Nursing program and have a little over a year long plan for how to get accepted so that I can join their program Summer 2012.

Started going to work early.

Started keeping a daily record of all the things I do at work.

Have taken on more responsibilities at work.

Scheduled appointments for various things I've been just living with instead of dealing with.

Stopped buying concert tickets and also have stopped buying extraneous things. I went through a bad spate of purchasing. Done with that now. Have turned inward... and also toward buying used.

Started bringing my breakfast and lunch to work almost every day and using reusable containers instead of plastic bags for the most part. Ideally I'd bring my own food in every day, but sometimes, I'm just too tired at night to do more than pack James' lunch.

Started listening to Spanish and French language tapes at work. I'm hoping to be conversational-ish in a few more months.


Ways I need/want to improve my life that I have either barely started on or am still in the process of getting started on:

Buy new socket covers and rework the child proofing in the apartment because James has figured out how to take the cheap ones out of the wall since my outlets are all loose.

Start going to bed earlier. I'm getting there every few days, but not regularly... and this may be a pipe dream. After all, who has time to sleep?

Register to take the GRE and a prep course.

Get a new phone. The screen on mine is scratched all to hell and every time I drop it it comes apart. I should be eligible for the iPhone 4 in October or so... but I saw this video the other day talking about the Evo phone and, even though I hate Sprint more than bad lettuce, I actually started thinking about other phones as an alternative to the iPhone. Of course, the only real concern with the iPhone and continuing with AT&T is that the plan is more expensive than the one I've got now... but I've really cut down on the texting so I could probably do without unlimited now and with my UT discount, maybe it wouldn't be unreasonable.

I need to actually get rid of the culled items from my apartment (they're living in my outdoor closet which is currently piled high and deep). I should get rid of even more than the stuff in there, too. (It'd help if I had someone not-emotionally attached to any of my stuff to help me do the getting rid of it part... I'm not a hoarder... but I do have some crap that I've carted around for a while for only emotional reasons.)

I have shelves (in pieces) that I need to put up. (I suck at straight lines... and I don't have a level. It's also hard for me to do projects like that when James is running around like a tiny madman. Again I wish for a second pair of hands/ arms/ eyes.) The two shelves that are up from the set of several are heavily used.

New furniture: My mattress/ bed is so old you can feel the springs. James will soon outgrow his crib. There's a particular problem with being a single mother and trying to date while living in a one bedroom apartment with a child. I believe that this can be, if not remedied, at least ameliorated, with a pull-out couch or a futon in the living room. I want to get rid of my computer desk (which is falling apart) and replace it with a dining table so that I can teach my child good table manners. Recap: two beds, a table/chairs, and a new couch. I have no idea how I'll be able to afford such things... but I'll find a way. I'm trying to make my apartment into my safe sanctuary. I've always looked to other people to provide that feeling of safety and security for me... but that's just not really realistic anymore.

Improved work out regimen. I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago, but it feels better again, so it's time to ramp things back up. Prior to the sprain I was running a few days a week, biking to/ from the daycare/ work, and playing soccer whenever I could get the time and a sitter or a playdate for James on the weekends. I have a 7 week training schedule to help me be ready to run 5k races by this fall taped to the wall by my door and I bought running shoes recently. I think since I'm going back to school, I'm going to have to give up soccer after this season and just start running. I'll miss the social aspects and the competitiveness and chasing/kicking things and... well... pretty much everything about soccer, but it's too hard to get to practices or games now. With just running, at the worst, I can do it almost anywhere and I can take James with me in the jogging stroller. I need to add yoga back in and ankle strengthening exercises too. Maybe I'll join a running group for real this fall. I wasn't ready to commit to one this summer. A group would help me socially. I need to meet people... I miss the rush of meeting new people even if they don't stick around... hell, I miss keeping up with friends socially... and I'm cut off from social networking at work now... so I'm at a bit of a loss here.

I need to work on my inner self so that when I'm done fixing my circumstances, I'll be as good on the inside as I am on the outside. I'm tired of being fragile and broken and full of spikes and sharp pieces. I just want to be... whole and round and smooth and fine, completely fine, on my own... and I'm getting there. I guess I mostly just really miss having someone there to sleep next to me, someone to share things with and do things for and with... who is an adult and can reciprocate... but I guess I'm not ready... that's what I've started to believe... I wasn't ready for a relationship when I tried to get into one... and so I acted completely not myself because I still don't know who I am right now... which is what I've been trying to figure out for the last many months. I'm so used to adapting to my circumstances... to being a chameleon and changing to fit where I am (I've done it for years and years and years... not in all ways... just in many) that a question I finally had to ask myself recently was... "do I really like [thing] or did I just like it because [person] liked it"... and that probably means I'm still not ready... no matter how much I wish I were.

Getting out of debt. I'm trying to adjust my spending. I still want to and will make goal-oriented purchases, but I'm eliminating, as much as possible, random expenditures.

Improved interactions with the Child's Father (the CF) while maintaining my personal integrity and keeping my child's safety and mental health as the top priority. I honestly don't know how I can hold my ground and still improve things with the CF. It may not be possible.

Improved relations with my family.

I need to pay more attention to the world around me... I've had a light, but I felt, succinct, handle on politics for a long time, but it's becoming more and more important for me to try to get things right for my son in as many ways as I can, and that includes politics, from the local all the way up.

I also need to figure out some volunteering opportunities. My graduate program application requires them but, even before I knew that, I knew I needed to get my hands dirty in a medical/ emotional sense to really know if I have what it takes to be a professional in this field or not. If anyone has any advice on or recommendations of medically related volunteer ops, please let me know.


Ways my life will improve in the next six months that aren't on the above list:

My car will be paid off in November.

I will be on my way to getting into graduate school.

If I make the above changes I know that my circumstances will change. I want James and I to be so very happy. I want to be the best mother possible and to provide the best things I can for my son. I also want to be the person someone wants to come home to and I want to be the someone a person wants to come home to them. I want to like coming home to myself. :)

It may take longer than six months for true and deep changes to happen... but I'm working toward a defined higher purpose and that's helpful... I have goals and dreams and I'm being as realistic about it all as I can without tipping over into pessimism.

Memorial Day Weekend

James and I had an action packed Memorial Day weekend.

We were house/ pet sitting out in Manor all weekend for our friend Bill, but we came into town and did tons of things during the days.

Friday night we got out there a little late because I was trying to get my apartment a little cleaner before basically not being there much all weekend. I swear I cannot keep up with the chores. Every night after I get James to bed (~8pm) I barely have an hour to sit/eat/think before I have to get back up and get things done for the next day (some of the following: lunches made, dishes cleaned, floors cleaned, highchair cleaned, laundry, cats fed, catbox cleaned, bathroom cleaned up, clothes laid out, trash taken out, etc.). I don't know how people with houses do it. If I had a yard, it'd probably look like hobos lived in it or I was trying to get it to revert to Great Plains status... maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea because the plains-dwelling Native Americans didn't do yard work; they had an annual fire and that was that. :)

Saturday morning we got up, ate breakfast, and then came back to my apartment where we went swimming for the first time. James' dad met us there. James wasn't quite certain about the pool at first, but splashing soon commenced and with it, great happiness. :)

I won four tickets at the last minute from City Search to the Ladies Brunch screening of Sex and The City 2 at the Alamo Ritz, so I found three other girls to go with me, and implored James' father to watch him for a few hours while I went. SATC was something I think I could've gotten into if I were a committed series watcher. I'm not really a SJP fan and there are definitely things about their lives that I can't identify with, but there are some universal girlisms that I think most of us can enjoy. I'm looking forward to getting to watch it all at some point.

The movie had one particular moment that I really appreciated. It's when Miranda and Charlotte both are commiserating over how hard motherhood is, and they basically break the fourth wall to say that they have no idea how women without a full-time nanny or partner do it. Honestly, ladies (and gentlemen), I don't know either. It's day-to-day, it's week-by-week, it's moment-to-moment sometimes. I feel like I live in a warzone. Whether it's a poop bomb or that the child (who has, as of 6/5/2010, learned to climb up onto the couch) is pulling down all the clean and folded laundry, or one of the cats has hacked up a hairball which my son immediately tries to pick up, or there are toys in my rainboots, or partially chewed graham crackers stuck in the child's hair... or he runs up to me, gives me a huge hug, buries his face in my chest and then proceeds to blow his nose... on my new shirt.

After the movie, which was a great mini escape fueled by mimosas (with orange and grapefruit juice), I picked James up from his dad's, and we went back to my apartment to clean up/ change. I put the child down for a nap (because he refused to sleep at his father's house). After he woke up, we went back out to Manor for the evening. After he went to bed I got to watch several episodes of LOST (which I hadn't been watching because of Glee, don't hate me for being practical: I knew people would record LOST but was pretty sure no one would record Glee for me), but started crashing before I got to watch the last three weeks' worth... so don't ruin it for me.

On Sunday morning bright and early (~7am), we went out for a run in the neighborhood where we were house/ pet sitting. There were lots of hills so it was a really good workout. We also found a frisky runaway Husky puppy and held onto him until his owners caught up. (The mother was driving around in an SUV yelling for him while her children were running/ wandering around also yelling. They didn't have a leash, or a collar for him when they got to us... pretty stupid if you ask me. We just stood still and I whistled at him and he came right up.) James liked the Husky and he liked James. The kiddo usually kinda gets freaked out by dogs because they move too quickly and get in his face too fast, but not this dog. Honestly, if I had to have one, I'd probably get a Shiba Inu or Husky type dog. They're really smart and don't smell bad like most other dogs do. (I'm not not a dog person, I'm just not an ALL dogs kind of person.)

After that, I got us cleaned up and we went back to my place to get ready to go to the lake with some friends. I made breakfast and scrambled to get our things together while James had a great time knocking over the chairs, cornering the cats, and toilet papering the living room. I finally got most of that all cleaned up and most of our stuff together when Lindsay and Daniel showed up with their little girl Zoe (she's about 7 months) to pick us up.

Lindsay's family is great. Their lake house was beautiful, her grandfather, and some of the other men in her family built it and the design is really cool. Lovely view, too. They cooked some great food and everyone was super nice. :)

After lunch we got in the lake. I tried to keep James from drinking the water, but you may as well try keeping a dog from scratching fleas. He didn't get too much in him though. I don't think he liked the taste. Lindsay bought these adorable little floats for the kids so that helped some too. They're inflatable with a little seat for their legs to go through and they have canopies to help keep the sun off. The water was pretty choppy from all the boats and there was a lot of debris, so James and I didn't stay in for too long. Lindsay and Zoe stayed out longer. Lindsay is a great swimmer; she can tread water better than pretty much anyone I've ever known.

After everyone got out and dried off a bit we went out in the boat. James hated the life vest we put him in and screamed his head off and tried to escape from it whenever he wasn't entirely distracted by things, but he looked adorable in it. :) He eventually wore himself out, and after a few minutes of being on the boat, he passed out. Zoe stayed awake the whole time. They let me hold her while Lindsay held James and she sat in my lap happily watching her parents. I'd almost forgotten what it's like to hold a kiddo as small as her. James weighs a ton these days.

Later, after we got back to shore and cleaned up (I put together a mini bath kit for James before we went out there and brought his PJs so he could go straight from there to bed) I was holding and playing with Zoe while James ran around trying to destroy things in the living room. Then he noticed... and he ran over to me, climbed up in my lap, and started trying to push Zoe away from me. He was actually jealous. He got jealous when I held his classmate Athena the other day, but he didn't push her, he just wanted me to pick him up too. He's a funny little guy... definitely likes being an only child which is good I guess since that's probably what he'll be.

We didn't get home till pretty late on Sunday night and it was even later getting back out to Manor, but all the cats everywhere were okay and purring at the times when I saw them, fed/ medicated them.

Monday we got started later than I'd kinda hoped because there was more to do at the house to get it ready for Bill to come back than I'd anticipated. Mostly, that was due to James knocking down a box full of tiny objects (which of course opened upon impact) and dispersing its contents widely, and secondly, James' desire to become a sanitation engineer... by which I mean he knocked over the garbage can and started sorting through it (thankfully, it was mostly paper items) while I was trying to clean up the aforementioned box of tiny objects. It was a busy morning for us. So, after we got back to the apartment, deposited some things and readjusted our travel gear, we went out to Taco Deli and had migas before heading to the outlets in Round Rock to hit their sales.

James has so much energy it's hard to confine him for any length of time. It was also super hot out. I had six stores on our list. We hit five of them, one unplanned one, and then bailed. I needed two new belts (one brown, one black since my current belts were falling apart), a pair of black summer sandals (since my black-trimmed espadrilles are coming apart), and two small going out clutches/wristlets (one brown, one black) so that I won't have to ask anyone to give up their man card by holding my lipstick or cellphone or whatever for me again. I stocked up on outfits for James for next summer and picked up some 18 month things as well. I figure if I get enough clothes for about a week in all of his sizes that between that, the grandparents, my friends, and his father's friends (birthdays/ Christmas), we'll be set wardrobe-wise and just pick up anything else from resale shops.

Post-outlets I was just exhausted. I had to set James free from the stroller a few times because he was starting to screech, and he immediately crawled under the clothing racks and hid... and he grabbed things off hangers (he did that while in the stroller too)... and he took off down aisles... and when I tried to try something on, he tried to crawl out of the dressing room... it was just exhausting... and then there were several "UP MOMMY, NOW!" moments and then the repeated tossing of the pacifier and the sippy cup, etc.

But we weren't done. Mondays are grocery days for us, so we had to go pick up some things. James was mostly good in the store because he was finally tired, but then he started getting cranky. I got us in and out of there with minimal damage... I had to take him out of the front child part of the cart and put him in with the groceries for a bit because he was just too squirmy and kept hurting himself and then yelling... and after I got all the groceries out, he stood up, and started opening and closing the child seat part of the cart... and when I tried to stop him, he did it one last time really hard, SLAMMING MY FINGER in it. :( I yelped. Tears came into my eyes. Then I carefully made sure the cart wasn't going anywhere and that he wasn't going to fall out of it, then I took a step back... turned away, methodically opened up the car, turned on the AC, and tried to breathe before retrieving him and putting him into the car. I looked around to see if anyone had seen what happened and sure enough, some kids across the parking lot in bikinis and cutoffs and other party gear, were loading up their truck with beer and saw what happened. One of them yelled over, "Damn, that looked like it hurt, Lady," and I said, "Yeah, it really did." Then I put the child in the car and we headed home.

Somehow, even though we hadn't spent much time there, the apartment was still a wreck. I did so well at Bill's house, you practically couldn't tell we'd even been there, but our house... what a mess. :( So, I started laundry, put things in the dishwasher, and tried to get stuff ready for the week.

I think sometimes my weekends are harder than my weeks... and I need to work on readjusting that, because they're supposed to be a time of rest and recuperation or something, right?

Anyway, that was Memorial Day weekend. It was a good/ busy one. How've you been? <3